Make an exhaustive list of all funny, crazy, quirky Dwight K. Schrute sayings. To avoid repeats if the thread gets long, use Find to search and see if the quote you have in mind has already been listed. I'll start it off with a short and a long Dwight quote.

(1) "I want him to have all the urine he needs."

(2) "Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game: convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might've learned a very valuable lesson."

Stay below the smoke line!

the fire

I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Question, where can I put my terrarium?

I don't believe you. Continue.

The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

"My father's name was Dwight Shrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Shrute. His father name... Dwide Shrude. Amish."

So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res-What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell too. And I will see you there...burning. Fine! Okay, wait. So you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are...at vision.

Take that Saddam...

1. Question
2. A real man makes his own luck.
3. There wasn't the Long Ranger, and Tonto and Bonto.

Do you think this is a good idea Jim, A hide a key rock?!

Shirts on or off?

You're not on ANYTHING?

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

"Me and Michael are like Mozart...and Mozart's friend."

"No, I'm like Butch Cassidy..."

"You mess with Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head. Courtesy of Butch Cassidy."

My middle name is NOT fart...

Do you wanna die? DO YOU WANNA DIE?

Four years of Malfesence unreported, THIS CANNOT STAND!

Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Forget everything you ever knew about ab workouts.

ID badges are long over do. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I were deranged?

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Leprosy? Flesh Eating Bacteria. Hot Dog Fingers. Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection?

In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Shrute: Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: [points to sign] It says 'workspace'.
Dwight Shrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'?
Dwight Shrute: [pauses] Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior.
Jim Halpert: You are not my superior.
Dwight Shrute: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was a workspace.

A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls... so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

No not me. Not Dwight. Tell him NOT DWIGHT. TELL HIM TO STOP. QUIET YOU! MAKE HIM BE QUIET! (talking to Michael's second head on halloween)

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Dwight: Can I have a gun?
Security Guard: No, I don't have a gun.
Dwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bowstaff.

"This is not Kelly Kapoor (sp?) story-hour! Your a** is on the line, mister! My a** is on the line!"

Pam: Nice tux Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks. It was my grandfather's. He was buried in it.

It has to be official, and it has to be urine.

That is the law, according to the rules.

I wouldn't buy a coffin with thicker walls, so you wouldn't hear the other dead people...

"It is blood that moves the wheels of history" (much fist pumping and podium pouding included)

Dwight: "I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will"
Pam: "Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?"
Dwight: "So i could lower it."

"I was out last night getting drunk with my Laser Tag team"

Dad??

You can't fire me. I don't work for you in the VAN.

Dwight - I'm going to ignore you for the rest of the day. I won't see you tomorrow or Sunday. Don't call me and I'll just see you on Monday.
Jim - Wait a sec. By tomorrow you mean Saturday?
Dwight - Duh

Jim - to camera - Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So that's what I'll be working on the rest of the afternoon.

Jim: Hey, Dwight. As sempai, do you ever think there's going to be a day when humans and robots can peacefully coexist?

Impossible, in the way they're programmed...

You're mocking me.

Remember on Lost when they met The Others???

Michael (reading something Dwight wrote): Everytime i type my name it says diapers. I supsect Jim Halpert.

You look cute today dwight.

thanks, girl.

"I didn't become a lackawanna county volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. and by the way, I haven't."

That scene always cracks me up

"By the way, Michael, Jan wants you to call her."

(Dwight called Jan to ask if he could fire Jim in the episode about Dwight finding a health plan and spilled the beans to Jan that HE was the one finding the plan, not Michael.)

[F]


[it is 11:23 exactly , the exact moment you emerged from your
mother's vaginal canal, happy birth-moment Michael]

[ why should I tip someone ,for a job I am capable of doing myself, "I can deliver food" I can drive a Taxi" I can and do cut my own hair" however I did tip my uroligist because I can't pulverizse my own kidney stones"

i love the [F], that's a good one

One word, two syllables: DEMARCATION.

Do you...want to form...an alliance...with me?

And later: Hey, Jim, can I talk to you about the...paper products?

Mmmm. Hello tiny one. You are the future!

and

Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasances's-s sake.