Lets do it. What would be in the Michael Gary Scott Book of Wisdom? We have a good title too, "The Key to Happiness: Joy". What pearls of wisdom would this book contain?

Well, first of all: "Never ever ever give up."

"If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North" -Abraham Lincoln also "blessed are those who sit and wait"

If you are an early bird and a nightowl, you'll be wise AND have worms.

"I hope to one day live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."

Or "GREAT SCOTT(isms)

You have to play to win, BUT, you also have to win to play.

The hand that strikes, gives a flower.

People should be afraid of how much they love you.

We must deceive them so as not to hurt them. In this way we honor them.

The best feeling is knowing that a child in the Congo goes to bed with a bellyful of rice because of you. It's good to be a philanderer.

Your answer to everything may be "get divorced" but in this office (family, marriage, poker club, fill in the blank)it is till death do us part.

Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.

Why can't little boys play with dolls?

Today's woman -- the Ally McBeal woman -- is at a crossroads. You've come a long way, baby.

Never be the most attractive person in your condo or neighborhood.

when the opportunity comes up, say " that's what she said". it is a classic joke and will never get old.

For fairness in the workplace, between your sales staff and warehouse workers, aim to be collar-blind.

"No office romances, too messy."
"Just do it."

never tell your employees your salary, that would just depress them

Never bathe with your subordinate employees, not matter how much you may want to!

Blessed are those who sit and wait.

Always strive for the Win-Win-Win solutions

What's better than quality? Equality.

Playing Truth or Dare is a great way to get a meeting with a client really going.

Presents are the best way to show someone you care. It's like saying I love you, this many dollars worth.

whenever someone anounces that they are about to play a sport, laugh and tell them, "Just try not to be to gay about it." and if they give you any odd looks, reply, "I meant in the not good at sports way."

Always greet your callers with a hilarious and witty remark to break the ice and make them laugh.

(Unfortunately, this doesn't work for me at the office because our receptionist never patches me through fast enough. My initial comment goes unheard, and the spontaneous..ness of the moment is lost forever.)

Chili's is the new golf course.

If you need a place for a business meeting, go to chilis. It's the new golf course.

When doing improv, always bring a gun, cuz, what's more exiciting than a gun?

Adapt
React
Readapt
Apt

Okay, I knew I knew this quote, it's from a poem by John Milton: They also serve who only stand and wait. It had been in my head all day, and finally came to me at the post office, as I stood and waited. I had to share.

There's no better way to start the day than by waking up to the smell of crackling bacon! It's delicious and it's good for you. I recommend using a Foreman grill right in your bedroom. I learned the hard way that you should probably place the grill on a table or dresser if possible and NOT on the floor.

"Generosity and togetherness and community all convalescenses into morale."

Don't settle for cream spinich, always get the yams.

If you can't throw a good party (get a lot of people drunk), then you're a horrible boss. Whoever heard of alcohol killing anyone?

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

When you're out with a friend, tell other people that you're brothers.

It's a hate crime if you hated it!

Coffee is THE great incentivizer in the office.

In order to be a ladies' man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies' man. So I kinda play that close to the chest.

Don't give up. Never give up.

Who do you save? Salesmen and profit centers.

Always encourage your nurse to become your girlfriend.

15 bottles of vodka is enough to get 20 people plastered

When visiting Hooters, order milk.

If you are a man always pee sitting down as it is far more comfortable.

Avoid clove cigarettes while attending any Alicia Keys concert.

icecream sandwiches are a great suprise treat at the end of a hard, stressful day.

black men play basketball and are good at it











(except stanley)

Futons are the wave of the future

Donald Trump is a terrible buisiness man. You can't operate on the quote "You're Fired" It should be "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." but that is just unrealistic.

You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Don't burn the building down...

Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

I don't come up with the joke e-mails, I'm simply forwarding them on. I don't see the problem there. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was simply delivering drugs from one person to another, so....

Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

" Chilis is.. great."

A good pair of blue jeans are a great thing to wear on casual Friday.

be a fan of Punk'd, and the Jamie Kennedy Experiment

I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

Thats What She Said

Image is Everything. (Buy a Sebring)

When signing your mortgage, buy 10 over 30 year mortgage.

No one likes beets. Grow Candy.