Passions Parody
A rated R+, nonsensical romp through Harmony containing lots of adult themes like bedroom scenes and soon to come, loads of violence. No character is safe in this fic, and if you are easily offended or have good taste, you probably shouldn't read this.
Somewhere Far Far Away From Harmony (in other words, one soundstage over).....
"AAAAGGGGHHH! For the love of JER, stoooooopppp!" Gwen screamed, fighting against the bonds that held her to the bed. "Please...I can't take it anymore!"
A sinister and slightly phlegmy chuckle answered her. "But you've displeased me, Gwen...you must be punished. By the time this is over, you'll never forget the lessons I've taught." A gloved finger hovered over the button that would begin her torture all over again.
"No, please...have mercy! Anything but that!" Gwen screamed, tears streaking down her face but it was no use. The button was pressed and the tv screen in front of her flickered to life. The sensory assault on her eardrums began once again as the hideous sounds invaded her consciousness, the words burned into her brain; she'd heard them so often for the last couple of days....
When I wake up in the morning
And the clock lets out a warning
I don't think I'll ever make it on time
By the time I got my books I give myself a look
I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by
It's alright cause I'm saved by the bell...
"Oh God, no more!" Gwen cried. "You've already forced me to watch three seasons of it! What did I ever do to deserve this?"
"That's easy, Gwen. You left Ethan. Yes, you left him to be with Theresa Lopez Fitzgerald, left him to finally be happy. Well, as happy as one could possibly be with a gender confused freak in a mask stalking him, plus Theresa's about as faithful as a bull in a pen full of in-heat cows, but I digress. Ethan and Theresa will not be together...I will not allow it!" A black gloved fist came down on the tv stand angrily.
"Why?" Gwen asked, averting her eyes from the horrible sight of Dustin Diamond's face filling the screen. "What does it matter to you if they're together or not? I wasted seven years of my life trying to prevent it, seven good years that I could have spent learning to knit, or adopting Cambodian orphans, or even just watching astroturf grow. Anything would have made me more fulfilled than being married to Ethan Wishy Washy Winthrop. And I'll tell you something...he's not that great in bed either. I got more satisfaction sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle, if we're being perfectly honest. There is nothing you can do to make me go crawling back to that loser!"
"Oh really? Because..." The shadowy figure stood up and reached inside its long black coat, and Gwen tensed, frightened. "I have a season of Sister Sister that says otherwise."
"Oh God...not Tia and Tamera Lowery doing schmaltzy twin schtick! You deranged *******, how could you be so vile!"
"You haven't even begun to experience what I can dish out, Gwen." Sneered the figure. "Two words: Full House. Yes, Gwen...I have the WHOLE BOXED SET." An evil smile crossed his face as Gwen's desperate screams filled the room. "So either you agree to return to Harmony and get Ethan back, or the phrase 'Have Mercy' is going to take on a whole new meaning."
"Alright, alright, you win!" Gwen cried, defeated. "God, you're sick. Tell me why you're doing this? Who are you?"
"Oh Gwen...my identity is a deep fathomless mystery which you'll never be able to solve. No, the truth is more shocking then you can handle. But just for fun, I'll give you three guesses."
"Alistair." Gwen said immediately.
"What?! How did you...I mean, I'm not...dammit, Gwen, can't you even pretend like it's hard to figure out?" Alistair stepped from the shadows, his voice exasperated as he continued to mumble to himself. "Years of planning and subterfuge, down the **** drain. Why do I even bother?" He looked at her hopefully. "Aren't you even surprised that I'm not dead?"
"It's like the third or fourth time, Alistair." Gwen rolled her eyes. "I would have been more surprised if you had actually died."
"Really? So if I took a plunge off-oh, what am I saying? That wouldn't be any fun." Alistair walked over to Gwen's bedside. "Now do you promise to do what I say, Gwen? Will you return to Harmony and make sure Theresa and Ethan are kept apart forever?"
"Do I have to?" Gwen whined. Alistair reached for the remote control and panic surged in her. "Alright, alright! I promise!"
"Pinky swear." Alistair demanded.
"Dang it, Alistair, I said alright! Now just untie me already and call me a cab. I've got to get to the airport."
"Why? It's just on the next soundstage. You can walk over."
Gwen gave him a furious stare and Alistair sighed. "Fine, fine." He reached out and snapped the velcro cuffs off of his unwilling captive. "Boy, these don't even look real. **** budget cuts." He mumbled to himself.
Gwen swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She walked into the bathroom hurriedly to check in the mirror that her unmovable hair and makeup were still indeed unmovable. Satisifed that days of captivity hadn't dulled the shine of her Maybelline lip gloss, she walked back into the bedroom. "OK, you cold hearted *******, I'm ready to go. How long do I have to keep up this charade? Mother and I have tickets to a Chippendale's show for next Friday and I really don't want to miss it."
"You'll do my bidding as long as I wish it, or until more budget cuts force my character off the air. Is that clear?" Alistair brandished the boxed set of Full House threateningly and Gwen flinched. Without another word, she walked out the prop front door and smack into the wall on the other side. "My nose!" Alistair heard her yelp before she changed direction and disappeared from view.
Alistair looked directly at the camera, a slow grin spreading across his face. "It's all coming together...my master plan! Yes...Ethan and Theresa will never be together. And with my other minions doing my work in Harmony, neither will Sheridan or Luis, or Fancy or Luis, or Kay or Miguel, or...whatshisname and whatshername. AHAHAHA! HA! HAHAHA..er...ha? Hmmm...this all seems rather pointless. I mean, really, I'm a billionaire. Why am I so obsessed with controlling the romantic lives and stealing the offspring of all the pedestrian people of Harmony? I could be in Tahiti right now, sipping a Mai Tai and signing a prenuptial agreement with a gorgeous nineteen year old local girl. I could be hanging at the Playboy Mansion with Hugh Hefner and his twelve girlfriends. And really, if I did hate them all so much, why don't I just have them all killed? I have so much money and power I could hire an army of hitmen and then just pay off everyone to cover it up. There's only like twelve people in the whole town anyway...it wouldn't be hard. Hmmm...none of this really makes-"
*announcer interrupts hastily*
On the next Passions, Gwen makes a stunning return to Harmony, and the whole cast will pinch themselves really hard in order to look as shocked as possible! Stay tuned!
Full Version: Have Chainsaw, Will Travel: A Passions Parody
Love it... very funny! where on earth do you come up with such ideas Ava?
THIS IS GREAT PLEASE KEEP WRITING IT I LOVE IT
I'm still laughing, this is GREAT!!! The part about Dustin Diamond was the best; I've met him in real life and he's jerk, not as bad as on fit club, but he is so stuck on himself. Watching those shows has to be one of the cruelest forms of torture. I'm still laughing, keep it going!!!!
"Are we there yet?" Gwen mumbled sleepily, wiping the corner of drool from her mouth and unsticking herself from the window she'd been sleeping against.
In response, the cab driver grunted and rolled down the window. The smell of decaying fish nearly made Gwen gag. "Ugh...the sweet scent of Harmony. I'm soooo happy to be back." She snapped sarcastically.
"Where to now, lady?" The cab driver asked, watching her through the rear view mirror.
"I'm not sure yet. I can't just go back to the B & B...I have to make a dramatic entrance. It's in my contract." She sighed and then dug through her bag. "I have to find Ethan and Theresa, and I know the easiest way to do it." Removing a tiny black device from her bag, she smiled.
"What's that?" The driver asked curiously, watching her.
"It's a ******** translator. They sell them in the dollar stores here...an exclusive item only manufactured in Harmony. I bought one before I left last time, but I hoped I'd never have to use it." She plugged it into her cellphone, than dialed.
"Hello?" A voice so cheerful it could only mean the speaker was headed for a life destroying revelation answered.
"Whitney, hi, it's Gwen." Gwen smiled, pleased, at Whitney's shocked intake of breath.
"Gwen, like omigawd! I'm so surprised to hear from you! Like, how are you and all that?"
"As good as I can be considering the fact that I'm back in this hellhole." Gwen tapped her fingers on the leather interior as she spoke. "Anyway, Whitney, we'll have to catch up later. I've very eager' she crossed her fingers 'to be reunited with my husband. Do you know where he is?"
"What? You mean you're here...and you want...like this is totally not stellar...but um...well, I'm really not sure where Ethan is. Why don't you just come by for a visit and I'll ask Chad to track him down for you, okay?" Whitney giggled nervously and Gwen pressed the button on the ******** Translator.
"Now Translating." The tiny screen lit up. 'Ethan and Theresa are doing it like bunnies in the master suite at the Crane Mansion and I have to warn them before Gwen goes postal.'
"Thank you, Whitney. I'll be right over." Gwen lied sweetly and snapped the cell phone shut. "To the Crane Mansion and step on it. I want to get there before their three minutes of passion is up."
A commercial break later Gwen was inside the Crane Mansion and strolling towards the master suite, where grunts, groans, and occasional squeals could be easily heard. She got to the door and was about to open it when suddenly her pager went off. Frowning, she dug it out of her pocket, reading the message on the screen.
"You are not supposed to just open the door. You must stop, wonder out loud what they possibly could be doing for at least five minutes, act like you're completely deaf to the noises within or at least too stupid to comprehend what they could mean, and don't forget your three minutes of dialogue about the horrible things you're going to do to Theresa if you find her with your husband again."
"I don't have time for this!" Gwen cried in exasperation. In response to her words, her cell phone suddenly rang and her expression changed to horror as she realized her Pussycat Dolls ringtone had been changed to the theme for Full House. "OK, OK, I get it!"
She began to pace in front of the door. "Oh dear, where could Ethan be?" She moaned dramatically. "I hope he's not with Theresa...it would just kill me. Oh no, I've almost forgotten the lines, it's been so long. Let's see...that beeyitch will pay for trying to take my husband from me...she'll never have Ethan...um, Ethan would never betray me..." She couldn't keep a straight face anymore as she fought back laughter.
At that moment she heard a slap from inside and then Ethan's voice crying out "That's right, Theresa, smack my a.ss! I've been a bad, bad boy!"
"Alright, that's it!" Gwen snapped. "I can only take so much." She threw open the master door with a bang.
Ethan was on all fours on top of Theresa's red velvet draped bed. Theresa, garbed in mistress of the night dominatrix gear, was just about to bring her lash down again when the sound caught their attention. For a moment, they both were frozen in shock then Ethan leapt up, hastily pulling off his nipple clamps and covering himself with a small red pillow.
"GWEN?!" They both cried at once.
TBC
In response, the cab driver grunted and rolled down the window. The smell of decaying fish nearly made Gwen gag. "Ugh...the sweet scent of Harmony. I'm soooo happy to be back." She snapped sarcastically.
"Where to now, lady?" The cab driver asked, watching her through the rear view mirror.
"I'm not sure yet. I can't just go back to the B & B...I have to make a dramatic entrance. It's in my contract." She sighed and then dug through her bag. "I have to find Ethan and Theresa, and I know the easiest way to do it." Removing a tiny black device from her bag, she smiled.
"What's that?" The driver asked curiously, watching her.
"It's a ******** translator. They sell them in the dollar stores here...an exclusive item only manufactured in Harmony. I bought one before I left last time, but I hoped I'd never have to use it." She plugged it into her cellphone, than dialed.
"Hello?" A voice so cheerful it could only mean the speaker was headed for a life destroying revelation answered.
"Whitney, hi, it's Gwen." Gwen smiled, pleased, at Whitney's shocked intake of breath.
"Gwen, like omigawd! I'm so surprised to hear from you! Like, how are you and all that?"
"As good as I can be considering the fact that I'm back in this hellhole." Gwen tapped her fingers on the leather interior as she spoke. "Anyway, Whitney, we'll have to catch up later. I've very eager' she crossed her fingers 'to be reunited with my husband. Do you know where he is?"
"What? You mean you're here...and you want...like this is totally not stellar...but um...well, I'm really not sure where Ethan is. Why don't you just come by for a visit and I'll ask Chad to track him down for you, okay?" Whitney giggled nervously and Gwen pressed the button on the ******** Translator.
"Now Translating." The tiny screen lit up. 'Ethan and Theresa are doing it like bunnies in the master suite at the Crane Mansion and I have to warn them before Gwen goes postal.'
"Thank you, Whitney. I'll be right over." Gwen lied sweetly and snapped the cell phone shut. "To the Crane Mansion and step on it. I want to get there before their three minutes of passion is up."
A commercial break later Gwen was inside the Crane Mansion and strolling towards the master suite, where grunts, groans, and occasional squeals could be easily heard. She got to the door and was about to open it when suddenly her pager went off. Frowning, she dug it out of her pocket, reading the message on the screen.
"You are not supposed to just open the door. You must stop, wonder out loud what they possibly could be doing for at least five minutes, act like you're completely deaf to the noises within or at least too stupid to comprehend what they could mean, and don't forget your three minutes of dialogue about the horrible things you're going to do to Theresa if you find her with your husband again."
"I don't have time for this!" Gwen cried in exasperation. In response to her words, her cell phone suddenly rang and her expression changed to horror as she realized her Pussycat Dolls ringtone had been changed to the theme for Full House. "OK, OK, I get it!"
She began to pace in front of the door. "Oh dear, where could Ethan be?" She moaned dramatically. "I hope he's not with Theresa...it would just kill me. Oh no, I've almost forgotten the lines, it's been so long. Let's see...that beeyitch will pay for trying to take my husband from me...she'll never have Ethan...um, Ethan would never betray me..." She couldn't keep a straight face anymore as she fought back laughter.
At that moment she heard a slap from inside and then Ethan's voice crying out "That's right, Theresa, smack my a.ss! I've been a bad, bad boy!"
"Alright, that's it!" Gwen snapped. "I can only take so much." She threw open the master door with a bang.
Ethan was on all fours on top of Theresa's red velvet draped bed. Theresa, garbed in mistress of the night dominatrix gear, was just about to bring her lash down again when the sound caught their attention. For a moment, they both were frozen in shock then Ethan leapt up, hastily pulling off his nipple clamps and covering himself with a small red pillow.
"GWEN?!" They both cried at once.
TBC
Not the Full House theme, how cruel 
Your other fanfics touched my heart, this one is tickling my funny bone!!!
Your other fanfics touched my heart, this one is tickling my funny bone!!!
Holy crap, I'm dying.
This is great Ava...update soon!
This is great Ava...update soon!
Passions Parody
For a moment, the pair was frozen in shock. Then Theresa dropped her cat-o-ninetails and stood up.
"Well, well, if it isn't the Gwench who stole my children." She snapped coldly.
"Lovely to see you too, Trollesa." Gwen sneered back. She turned her attention to Ethan, who stood cowering, clutching a tiny red pillow to protect his privacy. "And what a surprise to find you with her again, Ethan."
"Gwen!" Ethan squeaked. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted a divorce!"
"I wish." Gwen muttered. "I changed my mind." She said resignedly, sighing.
"Well, think again, Gwenlin." Theresa walked in front of Ethan, then turned to stare down her rival. "Because you'll have to pry him from my cold, dead..."
"It's a deal!" Gwen suddenly felt more cheerful then she had in days. She seized a heavy bookend from the shelf next to her and started forward.
"No, Gwen, stop!" Ethan cried, trying to shield Theresa. "We can talk this out. Let's just all sit down and-"
"Shut up, Ethan, and get your clothes." Gwen dropped the bookend in disappointment. "We're leaving."
"But Gwen, I love T-" Ethan started, and stopped as Gwen gave him a withering glare. "Yes, dear." He began to pull on his pants.
"Ethan, what are you doing? What about our fated love? What about fighting for me? I thought you said you'd never let anyone come between us again!!!" Theresa wailed.
"But Theresa, her stare...it buuuuuurns!" Ethan whimpered. "I have to do what she says, even if it kills me to leave your side."
"Besides, you're married, you walking Valtrex advertisement." Gwen chimed in. "Where is your husband, anyway?"
At that moment, the bathroom door flew open and Jared stumbled out, clad only in a towel, hair still wet. "Theresa?" He stumbled around. "I've got soap in my eyes...I can't see anything!"
"How convenient." Gwen rolled her eyes as Ethan hastily threw on the rest of his clothes and Theresa stowed her S & M kit under the bed.
Jared rubbed at his reddening eyes. He blinked several times and then finally focused. "Ethan, what the **** are you doing in my bedroom with my wife?" He demanded, hands closing into fists.
"Guess." Gwen folded her arms across her chest.
"Gwen!" Jared looked at her. "You're back! Thank God...you'll be able to keep Ethan busy. He keeps sniffing around my wife like he's a dog and she's got bacon tied to her ankles. I can't imagine what he was doing in my bedroom, with her, behind my back while I was in the shower..." He pondered for a moment. "Oh, you said guess! Is this a game? Let me think...he was changing a lightbulb?"
"Try again." Gwen said as Theresa and Ethan glared at her.
"Darn it!" Jared snapped his fingers. " Repairing the phone? Cleaning the carpet? Measuring for renovations? Having a completely non-infidelity related conversation with my wife about the weather in his unbuttoned shirt, with his zipper down, while she's in her skimpy, revealing nightgown? No? Darn, this game is hard!" He chewed on his fingernail as he continued to guess.
"Um, dear, why don't you lie down?" Theresa asked nervously. "You're still weak from that bullet wound, after all."
"Oh, alright." Jared allowed her to lead him to the bed. "I just wish I was a better guesser. This is going to bug me all day now." He climbed between the sheets as Theresa tucked him, then winced and reached beneath him. "What's this?" He frowned at the item in his hand. "Funny, it looks like a nipple-"
"Rebecca must have been here." Theresa said hastily as she snatched it away. "We'll have to put a lock on our door."
"Let's go, Ethan." Gwen ordered, pointing at the door. "You can drive us back to the B & B. I need a hot bath and a Valium."
"Oh, well, actually dear, Jane and I live here now." Ethan admitted nervously. He winced at the blazing look Gwen gave him. "Please don't hurt me."
"Oh, it figures!" Gwen seethed. "Fine. We'll just move back into our old room then. What are you waiting for? MOVE!"
Ethan scurried after her into the hallway, with Theresa following closely behind. She closed the door behind her and then turned to Gwen. "You're not going to get away with this, you dried up, desperate hag! You may force Ethan back into your bed, but it's my name branded on his a.ss, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!"
"Oh, go apply a topical ointment." Gwen snapped back and then dragged a whimpering Ethan down the hall to their suite. Once inside, she pressed the intercom. When the housekeeper answered, she requested that they send up a bottle of vodka and a baseball bat...it always paid to be prepared. That done, she turned to Ethan, who was unbuttoning his shirt.
"What are you doing?" She demanded.
"Well, now that you're back, I'm sure you're just desperate for a reconciliatory roll in the hay." Ethan sighed. "It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. I know it must have been so hard for you, denied the ability to caress my taut ab muscles all these months. Come here while I mash my body against yours and pretend you're Theresa." He reached for her.
"Um, no thanks." Gwen dodged his hands. "I'm not even going to so much as hold your hand until you're deloused, disinfected and have had a round of antibiotics."
"Oh, Gwen, you're so brave to try and withstand your raging passions, but I know you want me. I'm not cruel enough to deny you this view any longer." Ethan ripped off his shirt and his clean shaven chest reflected the light, making her eyes water. "Tears, Gwen? Please, don't cry with happiness over the thought of the pleasure I'm about to give you-I won't make you wait any longer!"
He lunged at her again, grabbing her and kissing her passionately. "Oh, The-I mean, Gwen!"
"Ugh, Ethan, get off! You're getting Theresa cooties on me! Ethan!" Gwen struggled wildly, then reached out one hand as Ethan began to nuzzle her neck and yanked open the door. Just as she'd hoped, the bottle of vodka and the baseball bat she'd requested were on the floor outside. She grabbed the baseball bat and whacked Ethan over his head, and he fell to the floor with a thud, unconcious. "That's better." Gwen smiled with satisfaction, then grabbed the vodka bottle and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. She took the servants' elevator down to the basement, then headed immediately to the laundry room. Opening the door, she sighed when she saw it. It hadn't changed a bit...the ultra deluxe, white, glossy Whirlpool washing machine that had gotten her through so many lonely nights. She sighed as her fingers traced the smooth surface, then she pressed a few buttons and jumped on, swigging from her vodka bottle. Real tears came to her eyes as she thought of the mess she was in. "Back in Harmony, with that well muscled, slack jawed idiot and his will-dance-for-tips tramp and I have to keep them apart at the expense of my own happiness. I hate my life." She took another swig from the bottle and waited for the spin cycle to start.
On the next Passions Parody...
Ethan and Theresa are desperate to find ways to be together.
Coming Soon...
Gwen snaps when she's finally pushed too far.
For a moment, the pair was frozen in shock. Then Theresa dropped her cat-o-ninetails and stood up.
"Well, well, if it isn't the Gwench who stole my children." She snapped coldly.
"Lovely to see you too, Trollesa." Gwen sneered back. She turned her attention to Ethan, who stood cowering, clutching a tiny red pillow to protect his privacy. "And what a surprise to find you with her again, Ethan."
"Gwen!" Ethan squeaked. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted a divorce!"
"I wish." Gwen muttered. "I changed my mind." She said resignedly, sighing.
"Well, think again, Gwenlin." Theresa walked in front of Ethan, then turned to stare down her rival. "Because you'll have to pry him from my cold, dead..."
"It's a deal!" Gwen suddenly felt more cheerful then she had in days. She seized a heavy bookend from the shelf next to her and started forward.
"No, Gwen, stop!" Ethan cried, trying to shield Theresa. "We can talk this out. Let's just all sit down and-"
"Shut up, Ethan, and get your clothes." Gwen dropped the bookend in disappointment. "We're leaving."
"But Gwen, I love T-" Ethan started, and stopped as Gwen gave him a withering glare. "Yes, dear." He began to pull on his pants.
"Ethan, what are you doing? What about our fated love? What about fighting for me? I thought you said you'd never let anyone come between us again!!!" Theresa wailed.
"But Theresa, her stare...it buuuuuurns!" Ethan whimpered. "I have to do what she says, even if it kills me to leave your side."
"Besides, you're married, you walking Valtrex advertisement." Gwen chimed in. "Where is your husband, anyway?"
At that moment, the bathroom door flew open and Jared stumbled out, clad only in a towel, hair still wet. "Theresa?" He stumbled around. "I've got soap in my eyes...I can't see anything!"
"How convenient." Gwen rolled her eyes as Ethan hastily threw on the rest of his clothes and Theresa stowed her S & M kit under the bed.
Jared rubbed at his reddening eyes. He blinked several times and then finally focused. "Ethan, what the **** are you doing in my bedroom with my wife?" He demanded, hands closing into fists.
"Guess." Gwen folded her arms across her chest.
"Gwen!" Jared looked at her. "You're back! Thank God...you'll be able to keep Ethan busy. He keeps sniffing around my wife like he's a dog and she's got bacon tied to her ankles. I can't imagine what he was doing in my bedroom, with her, behind my back while I was in the shower..." He pondered for a moment. "Oh, you said guess! Is this a game? Let me think...he was changing a lightbulb?"
"Try again." Gwen said as Theresa and Ethan glared at her.
"Darn it!" Jared snapped his fingers. " Repairing the phone? Cleaning the carpet? Measuring for renovations? Having a completely non-infidelity related conversation with my wife about the weather in his unbuttoned shirt, with his zipper down, while she's in her skimpy, revealing nightgown? No? Darn, this game is hard!" He chewed on his fingernail as he continued to guess.
"Um, dear, why don't you lie down?" Theresa asked nervously. "You're still weak from that bullet wound, after all."
"Oh, alright." Jared allowed her to lead him to the bed. "I just wish I was a better guesser. This is going to bug me all day now." He climbed between the sheets as Theresa tucked him, then winced and reached beneath him. "What's this?" He frowned at the item in his hand. "Funny, it looks like a nipple-"
"Rebecca must have been here." Theresa said hastily as she snatched it away. "We'll have to put a lock on our door."
"Let's go, Ethan." Gwen ordered, pointing at the door. "You can drive us back to the B & B. I need a hot bath and a Valium."
"Oh, well, actually dear, Jane and I live here now." Ethan admitted nervously. He winced at the blazing look Gwen gave him. "Please don't hurt me."
"Oh, it figures!" Gwen seethed. "Fine. We'll just move back into our old room then. What are you waiting for? MOVE!"
Ethan scurried after her into the hallway, with Theresa following closely behind. She closed the door behind her and then turned to Gwen. "You're not going to get away with this, you dried up, desperate hag! You may force Ethan back into your bed, but it's my name branded on his a.ss, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!"
"Oh, go apply a topical ointment." Gwen snapped back and then dragged a whimpering Ethan down the hall to their suite. Once inside, she pressed the intercom. When the housekeeper answered, she requested that they send up a bottle of vodka and a baseball bat...it always paid to be prepared. That done, she turned to Ethan, who was unbuttoning his shirt.
"What are you doing?" She demanded.
"Well, now that you're back, I'm sure you're just desperate for a reconciliatory roll in the hay." Ethan sighed. "It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. I know it must have been so hard for you, denied the ability to caress my taut ab muscles all these months. Come here while I mash my body against yours and pretend you're Theresa." He reached for her.
"Um, no thanks." Gwen dodged his hands. "I'm not even going to so much as hold your hand until you're deloused, disinfected and have had a round of antibiotics."
"Oh, Gwen, you're so brave to try and withstand your raging passions, but I know you want me. I'm not cruel enough to deny you this view any longer." Ethan ripped off his shirt and his clean shaven chest reflected the light, making her eyes water. "Tears, Gwen? Please, don't cry with happiness over the thought of the pleasure I'm about to give you-I won't make you wait any longer!"
He lunged at her again, grabbing her and kissing her passionately. "Oh, The-I mean, Gwen!"
"Ugh, Ethan, get off! You're getting Theresa cooties on me! Ethan!" Gwen struggled wildly, then reached out one hand as Ethan began to nuzzle her neck and yanked open the door. Just as she'd hoped, the bottle of vodka and the baseball bat she'd requested were on the floor outside. She grabbed the baseball bat and whacked Ethan over his head, and he fell to the floor with a thud, unconcious. "That's better." Gwen smiled with satisfaction, then grabbed the vodka bottle and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. She took the servants' elevator down to the basement, then headed immediately to the laundry room. Opening the door, she sighed when she saw it. It hadn't changed a bit...the ultra deluxe, white, glossy Whirlpool washing machine that had gotten her through so many lonely nights. She sighed as her fingers traced the smooth surface, then she pressed a few buttons and jumped on, swigging from her vodka bottle. Real tears came to her eyes as she thought of the mess she was in. "Back in Harmony, with that well muscled, slack jawed idiot and his will-dance-for-tips tramp and I have to keep them apart at the expense of my own happiness. I hate my life." She took another swig from the bottle and waited for the spin cycle to start.
On the next Passions Parody...
Ethan and Theresa are desperate to find ways to be together.
Coming Soon...
Gwen snaps when she's finally pushed too far.
OMG!!!!!!!! I think I'm crying from laughing too hard Ava, this is awesome!!!!! Poor Jared, he never has any clue whats going on. This is so much better than the show 
OMFG!!!! This is hilarius!!! Please write more soon!!!
This is so great! keep it up!
Ok Ava, I love this story, its the funniest thing I have ever read, but you have to promise not to abandon The Matchmakers, one makes me cry and the other makes me laugh and I need them both.
Passions Parody
I forgot the warning before but this story is a parody. I make fun of every single character that I can, it's rather tasteless, and with lots of adult humor. Please don't read if these things might offend you.
"Finally! He's asleep!" Theresa looked at Jared in the bed. "And it only took six Valium in his before bed milk this time." Carefully, she tiptoed to her bedroom door, pulled it open, and snuck into the hallway. "And now, to wrest Ethan from the tentacles of that she-witch! Never fear, Ethan...I''ll save you!"
She hurried down the hall, teetering on her six inch heels, and then carefully pressed her ear to the door of Ethan and Gwen's suite. "Oh, Ethan, when I think of the horrors she could be putting you through right now..." She whipped a handkerchief out of her negligee and carefully wiped her eyes, trying not to smear her liner. Then she listened for a moment... "Hmmm...I don't hearing you screaming for a quick death like I usually do when I spy on you and Gwen in bed-maybe she fell asleep." Carefully, she eased the door open. "Pssst...Ethan!"
A loud groan was the response she got, and Theresa gasped as she realized Ethan was lying on the floor. "Ethan, what happened? Did you try to knock yourself unconscious to avoid spending time with Gwen again?"
"Er...duhhhhhh...there goes the last bit of law schooling I had left." Ethan drooled on himself as Theresa helped him to his feet. "Oh...Theresa...I don't know what happened. I was trying to give Gwen the best pity sex she's ever had and then everything went black." He sat down heavily on the bed.
At that moment there was a knock on the door. "I't's Constance with fresh linens!" A voice trilled. The door opened to reveal Constance, one of the Crane maids/Julian *****, wearing the tightfitting, low cut maid's outfit with thigh high stockings and garters that Julian made all the household help wear, even the men.
"Constance, have you seen my wife?" Ethan asked as she turned to leave.
Constance looked uncomfortable. "Um, yeah...last I saw her she was in the basement tonguing the washer." She shuddered. "Mr. Winthrop, I thought you promised she wouldn't be molesting the household appliances any more."
"I'm sorry, Constance. But look at what she's been deprived of for months. It would drive anyone mad." Ethan caressed his own bare chest, and Constance licked her lips.
"Oh, yes, Mr. Winthrop, I see what you mean!" She gasped breathily.
Theresa gave her a furious glare. "Don't you have some other *ahem* chores to perform?" She snapped. Constance skittered out and Theresa returned her attention to Ethan, who was staring at himself in the mirror and idly humming "I Touch Myself."
"So we're alone." She made her voice low and seductive. "Gwen will downstairs for hours...that washer has incredible staying power. Not that I know." She added hurriedly. "So...what do you want to do?"
Ethan didn't respond. He was still staring in the mirror. "Oh yeah, Winthrop." He muttered. "Looking good!" He flexed first one pec, than the other.
"Ethan, focus!" Theresa snapped and he finally looked at her. "What were you saying? Ohhhhhh...." He breathed as Theresa reached into her cleavage and pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "Master and Slave-my favorite!"
****
Gwen stumbled out of the elevator, a pleased, drunken smile on her face, and staggered back down the hall to her bedroom. "I'm going to sleep like a baby now." She murmured happily.
She was just about to open the door to her suite when she heard the familiar moaning. "Hey Theresa, what's the butter for?" She heard Ethan ask.
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Instantly sober, Gwen stumbled away from the door. "I'm totally never sleeping in there again." She opened the linen closet and pulled out an extra blanket and pillow. "I guess it's the couch for me." She stopped to retrieve her laptop, which was sitting on top of her suitcases in the hallway. "Guess I'll surf the net until I fall asleep."
Once on the couch with a fresh bottle of vodka before her, Gwen opened the laptop. "OK, what site do I want to visit tonight? Bitter and Vindictive Forums? No... The General Electric online catalogue? No..."
Suddenly her screen went blank. "What the ****?" She snapped. She was about to check the power supply when a rasping voice got her attention.
"Gwen!" On the screen a black silhouette of a figure had appeared. "You should have stayed away."
"You're telling me." Gwen muttered. "Who are you?"
"That's a very good question." The figure stepped forward and Gwen gasped as she saw it clearly.
"Oh my God...you're some kind of..."
"I'm your worst nightmare!" The voice was gleeful.
"My worst..." Gwen gasped and then began to snicker. "You're...in your little half suit...and the skirt...and the bra over the shirt...and last season's shoes..." She wheezed with laughter. "Britney Spears called and she wants her clothes back!"
"Shut up! Stop laughing!" The blackmailer brandished its fists threateningly. "I'm warning you..."
Gwen fell off the couch, she was laughing so hard. "Oh, please, say it again! You're so cute when you stomp your feet! Wait...hold still, I want to take a screenshot! Can you bust a move or something? I'm going to put this on Youtube!"
"**** it, I said shut up! You have no idea what I'm capable of!"
"Not really." Gwen wiped her watering eyes. "But I'm dying to find out. This is the most fun I've had since I've come back to Harmony!"
The blackmailer smoothed its half skirt, trying to maintain at least a little dignity. "As I was saying, Gwen, I'm your worst nightmare. See, I know your secret. I know that you leaked Ethan's paternity to the tabloids and framed Theresa for it. I have the proof! If you don't leave him TONIGHT I'll tell everyone!"
Gwen snorted. "Go ahead."
"What?" The blackmailer stared. "You...don't care? But Ethan will hate you! Everyone will hate you!"
"So?" Gwen took a swig from her bottle. "I hate them so why shouldn't the feeling be mutual?",
"You...don't want Ethan?" The blackmailer sounded bewildered. "Why did you come back then?"
"Because I'm ALREADY being blackmailed." Gwen sniffed, feeling tears come to her eyes. "By Alistair Unkillable Crane. And now I have to keep Ethan and Theresa apart, or he's going to force unspeakable torture on me. I wish I was dead." She wiped her eyes.
"Hey, don't say that." The blackmailer said. "Buck up, girl, it isn't so awful."
"Yes, it is!" Gwen sobbed. "You said you were my worst nightmare but my real worst nightmare is upstairs right now in my bedroom boinking my husband and probably getting contagious diseases all over my $300 dollar sheets while I sleep on the couch! I didn't want to come back to this! I wish a house would fall on me and just put me out of my misery."
"Whaaaaat! Ethan and Theresa are together, right now?! She promised me...why, I oughtta...that disgusting, man stealing two dollar tramp!" The blackmailer began to pace angrily on the screen.
"What do you care?" Gwen asked curiously.
The blackmailer stopped and looked at her. "Ethan is MINE! And I won't share him with anyone! I've had it with their 24 hour sexcapades! I mean, what does a girl/boy have to do to get some action around here? Do you have any idea how much planning I've put into this? Would Theresa really go through this much effort? I live in the walls...I barely sleep because I have to monitor their every move, I blackmail judges and bribe officials, I hire hitmen, plus do my own dirty work, and I fix trials..." It gave a watery sniffle and began to cry. "Ethan doesn't appreciate the efforts that I've gone to for him! Nobody will love him the way I do and he won't even throw some hot pity sex my way! Am I so unworthy?" The blackmailer sat down and sobbed into its hands.
"Oh honey..." Gwen clucked sympathetically. "I so know where you're coming from. Listen, girl-I hope it's OK if I call you that-take it from someone who knows. Ethan is not worth it. I hate to see anyone else waste some **** good scheming, manipulation, and bribery money on him because it's just pointless. Move on while you still can-you deserve better. There are much more stalk worthy men in the world."
"I can't! I won't!" The blackmailer looked up. "I have to have him, Gwen. I can't stop."
Gwen shook her head sadly. "I wish you luck then. Look, while I'm here I'll do what I can to keep Ethan and Theresa apart, but don't expect a lot, because as soon as I can figure out a way to defeat Alistair I'm catching the next flight out of this craphole."
"I understand and I appreciate it. You know, Gwen, you're a really good listener. I'm sorry I tried to blackmail you."
"I'm sorry I laughed at you. We should get together sometime, have lunch and do some shopping. I can hook you up with some real nice Dolce and Gabbana...well, half of you, anyway." Gwen smiled at her computer screen.
"That would be great, Gwen. Gotta go...catch you on the flipside, girlfriend." With a little pop, the blackmailer was gone.
TBC
On the next Passions Parody:
Ethan and Theresa catch Gwen and Jared in a compromising position.
I forgot the warning before but this story is a parody. I make fun of every single character that I can, it's rather tasteless, and with lots of adult humor. Please don't read if these things might offend you.
"Finally! He's asleep!" Theresa looked at Jared in the bed. "And it only took six Valium in his before bed milk this time." Carefully, she tiptoed to her bedroom door, pulled it open, and snuck into the hallway. "And now, to wrest Ethan from the tentacles of that she-witch! Never fear, Ethan...I''ll save you!"
She hurried down the hall, teetering on her six inch heels, and then carefully pressed her ear to the door of Ethan and Gwen's suite. "Oh, Ethan, when I think of the horrors she could be putting you through right now..." She whipped a handkerchief out of her negligee and carefully wiped her eyes, trying not to smear her liner. Then she listened for a moment... "Hmmm...I don't hearing you screaming for a quick death like I usually do when I spy on you and Gwen in bed-maybe she fell asleep." Carefully, she eased the door open. "Pssst...Ethan!"
A loud groan was the response she got, and Theresa gasped as she realized Ethan was lying on the floor. "Ethan, what happened? Did you try to knock yourself unconscious to avoid spending time with Gwen again?"
"Er...duhhhhhh...there goes the last bit of law schooling I had left." Ethan drooled on himself as Theresa helped him to his feet. "Oh...Theresa...I don't know what happened. I was trying to give Gwen the best pity sex she's ever had and then everything went black." He sat down heavily on the bed.
At that moment there was a knock on the door. "I't's Constance with fresh linens!" A voice trilled. The door opened to reveal Constance, one of the Crane maids/Julian *****, wearing the tightfitting, low cut maid's outfit with thigh high stockings and garters that Julian made all the household help wear, even the men.
"Constance, have you seen my wife?" Ethan asked as she turned to leave.
Constance looked uncomfortable. "Um, yeah...last I saw her she was in the basement tonguing the washer." She shuddered. "Mr. Winthrop, I thought you promised she wouldn't be molesting the household appliances any more."
"I'm sorry, Constance. But look at what she's been deprived of for months. It would drive anyone mad." Ethan caressed his own bare chest, and Constance licked her lips.
"Oh, yes, Mr. Winthrop, I see what you mean!" She gasped breathily.
Theresa gave her a furious glare. "Don't you have some other *ahem* chores to perform?" She snapped. Constance skittered out and Theresa returned her attention to Ethan, who was staring at himself in the mirror and idly humming "I Touch Myself."
"So we're alone." She made her voice low and seductive. "Gwen will downstairs for hours...that washer has incredible staying power. Not that I know." She added hurriedly. "So...what do you want to do?"
Ethan didn't respond. He was still staring in the mirror. "Oh yeah, Winthrop." He muttered. "Looking good!" He flexed first one pec, than the other.
"Ethan, focus!" Theresa snapped and he finally looked at her. "What were you saying? Ohhhhhh...." He breathed as Theresa reached into her cleavage and pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "Master and Slave-my favorite!"
****
Gwen stumbled out of the elevator, a pleased, drunken smile on her face, and staggered back down the hall to her bedroom. "I'm going to sleep like a baby now." She murmured happily.
She was just about to open the door to her suite when she heard the familiar moaning. "Hey Theresa, what's the butter for?" She heard Ethan ask.
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Instantly sober, Gwen stumbled away from the door. "I'm totally never sleeping in there again." She opened the linen closet and pulled out an extra blanket and pillow. "I guess it's the couch for me." She stopped to retrieve her laptop, which was sitting on top of her suitcases in the hallway. "Guess I'll surf the net until I fall asleep."
Once on the couch with a fresh bottle of vodka before her, Gwen opened the laptop. "OK, what site do I want to visit tonight? Bitter and Vindictive Forums? No... The General Electric online catalogue? No..."
Suddenly her screen went blank. "What the ****?" She snapped. She was about to check the power supply when a rasping voice got her attention.
"Gwen!" On the screen a black silhouette of a figure had appeared. "You should have stayed away."
"You're telling me." Gwen muttered. "Who are you?"
"That's a very good question." The figure stepped forward and Gwen gasped as she saw it clearly.
"Oh my God...you're some kind of..."
"I'm your worst nightmare!" The voice was gleeful.
"My worst..." Gwen gasped and then began to snicker. "You're...in your little half suit...and the skirt...and the bra over the shirt...and last season's shoes..." She wheezed with laughter. "Britney Spears called and she wants her clothes back!"
"Shut up! Stop laughing!" The blackmailer brandished its fists threateningly. "I'm warning you..."
Gwen fell off the couch, she was laughing so hard. "Oh, please, say it again! You're so cute when you stomp your feet! Wait...hold still, I want to take a screenshot! Can you bust a move or something? I'm going to put this on Youtube!"
"**** it, I said shut up! You have no idea what I'm capable of!"
"Not really." Gwen wiped her watering eyes. "But I'm dying to find out. This is the most fun I've had since I've come back to Harmony!"
The blackmailer smoothed its half skirt, trying to maintain at least a little dignity. "As I was saying, Gwen, I'm your worst nightmare. See, I know your secret. I know that you leaked Ethan's paternity to the tabloids and framed Theresa for it. I have the proof! If you don't leave him TONIGHT I'll tell everyone!"
Gwen snorted. "Go ahead."
"What?" The blackmailer stared. "You...don't care? But Ethan will hate you! Everyone will hate you!"
"So?" Gwen took a swig from her bottle. "I hate them so why shouldn't the feeling be mutual?",
"You...don't want Ethan?" The blackmailer sounded bewildered. "Why did you come back then?"
"Because I'm ALREADY being blackmailed." Gwen sniffed, feeling tears come to her eyes. "By Alistair Unkillable Crane. And now I have to keep Ethan and Theresa apart, or he's going to force unspeakable torture on me. I wish I was dead." She wiped her eyes.
"Hey, don't say that." The blackmailer said. "Buck up, girl, it isn't so awful."
"Yes, it is!" Gwen sobbed. "You said you were my worst nightmare but my real worst nightmare is upstairs right now in my bedroom boinking my husband and probably getting contagious diseases all over my $300 dollar sheets while I sleep on the couch! I didn't want to come back to this! I wish a house would fall on me and just put me out of my misery."
"Whaaaaat! Ethan and Theresa are together, right now?! She promised me...why, I oughtta...that disgusting, man stealing two dollar tramp!" The blackmailer began to pace angrily on the screen.
"What do you care?" Gwen asked curiously.
The blackmailer stopped and looked at her. "Ethan is MINE! And I won't share him with anyone! I've had it with their 24 hour sexcapades! I mean, what does a girl/boy have to do to get some action around here? Do you have any idea how much planning I've put into this? Would Theresa really go through this much effort? I live in the walls...I barely sleep because I have to monitor their every move, I blackmail judges and bribe officials, I hire hitmen, plus do my own dirty work, and I fix trials..." It gave a watery sniffle and began to cry. "Ethan doesn't appreciate the efforts that I've gone to for him! Nobody will love him the way I do and he won't even throw some hot pity sex my way! Am I so unworthy?" The blackmailer sat down and sobbed into its hands.
"Oh honey..." Gwen clucked sympathetically. "I so know where you're coming from. Listen, girl-I hope it's OK if I call you that-take it from someone who knows. Ethan is not worth it. I hate to see anyone else waste some **** good scheming, manipulation, and bribery money on him because it's just pointless. Move on while you still can-you deserve better. There are much more stalk worthy men in the world."
"I can't! I won't!" The blackmailer looked up. "I have to have him, Gwen. I can't stop."
Gwen shook her head sadly. "I wish you luck then. Look, while I'm here I'll do what I can to keep Ethan and Theresa apart, but don't expect a lot, because as soon as I can figure out a way to defeat Alistair I'm catching the next flight out of this craphole."
"I understand and I appreciate it. You know, Gwen, you're a really good listener. I'm sorry I tried to blackmail you."
"I'm sorry I laughed at you. We should get together sometime, have lunch and do some shopping. I can hook you up with some real nice Dolce and Gabbana...well, half of you, anyway." Gwen smiled at her computer screen.
"That would be great, Gwen. Gotta go...catch you on the flipside, girlfriend." With a little pop, the blackmailer was gone.
TBC
On the next Passions Parody:
Ethan and Theresa catch Gwen and Jared in a compromising position.
This is awesome, I usually feel bad for Gwen, but Jared has my pity all the way.
ROFBHODTIMEPIMP
I am in stiches. This is too friggin funny.
I am in stiches. This is too friggin funny.
Its even funnier when you read it a second time
Passions Parody
A rated R+, nonsensical romp through Harmony containing lots of adult themes like bedroom scenes and soon to come, loads of violence. No character is safe in this fic, and if you are easily offended or have good taste, you probably shouldn't read this.
Three Days Later:
"There!" Gwen stood back and surveyed her work with a smile. "That should hold you."
"Gwen!" Ethan sat before her in their suite, shaking the ankle that she had just shackled to the leg of the chair. His wrists were already tied to the chair arms. "If you wanted to roleplay you could have just asked. My safety word is 'ducky'.
"Ducky?" Gwen shook her head. "Why-oh who cares. Ethan, I have not chained you to the chair to play with you. I did it so you wouldn't go sneaking off with Trampesa every time I turn my back. Now sit still and shut up."
"But...what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and listen to the sound of my own deep thoughts?" Ethan pondered that for a moment and then decided to give it a try. He closed his eyes and concentrated but the only thing he heard was a sound like crickets chirping. "I got nothing. This is boring."
"Here, this will keep you entertained." Gwen pushed the full length mirror that stood in their bedroom out of the corner, and positioned it in front of Ethan. He caught sight of his own reflection and stopped mid-complaint, entranced.
"Oooooh...nice. Yeah, baby, I've got it going on." He tilted his head to see his face at different angles, then licked his lips. "If only I caress my bulging biceps... Gwen, could you undo just one arm?"
"No." Gwen grabbed her purse. "I'm going shopping at Angelina Jolie's Orphan Emporium. If I have to be stuck with you, another child to raise will keep me busy. Besides, Jane could use another sibling. I'll be back in a few hours, and if you've been good, I'll take you for a walk. Bye now!" She backed out of the room, locking the door behind her. "That should keep Theresa out."
A few minutes later, Theresa peeked her head around the corner. "Ding, dong, the witch is GONE!" she sang quietly. "Nothing can keep me and Ethan apart." She started to creep forward, feeling her bra to make sure her lock picking kit hadn't slipped out, when she heard a voice call her name.
"Theresa?" Jared stumbled around the corner, holding his head. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing." Theresa whirled around and smiled innocently. "Why are you awake? Again?"
Jared shook his head as if to clear it. "I've been sleeping for the past 36 hours, Theresa. You know, I think you might have been wrong when you said the doctor wanted me to take twelve sleeping pills a night."
"Oh, yes, silly me. We'll have to inquire about that." Theresa forced herself to keep smiling. "Anyway, you look exhausted. Why don't you hurry off back to bed and I'll join you...um, later."
"Theresa, come on, let's spend some time together." Jared reached for her hand. "This is one of the few times I know where you are, and Ethan isn't in the corner of the room looking suspiciously guilty and wiping lipstick off his face that looks just like yours. Who knows when we'll have a moment like this again? Especially with you wanting to have another baby-we'll be pretty pressed for private time."
"I suppose." Theresa bit her lip in frustration. It had been at least forty five minutes since she and Ethan had gone at it like raging teenagers, and she was starting to get antsy. "Let me just, um...." she spotted Gwen's baseball bat leaning against the wall and smiled. "Oh Jared, look over there-what's that?"
"I don't see any-" Jared's next words were lost when the baseball bat met the side of his head. He fell to the floor in an unconscious heap and Theresa stepped over him.
"I'm coming, Ethan...hang on!"
****
Three hours later Gwen walked down the hall towards her rooms, still reading the brochures she'd picked up at the Orphan Emporium. "Ethan!" She started to call out. "Great news. I filled out all the applications and placed my order. I can pick up my new child on Tuesday!" She stopped mid sentence as she realized the door to her suite was open, Theresa's lock pick equipment still scattered on the hallway floor. Jared's unconscious form lay nearby. "Oh for the love of Maytag...now what has that Super S.lut done?" She leaned down. "Jared, wake up. Jared!" She shook him.
"What?" Jared lifted up his head and blinked. "Gwen? I don't know what happened. I was talking to Theresa and next thing I know, I'm on the floor. Where is she?"
Gwen rolled her eyes as she helped him stand. "Probably straddling Ethan."
"What?" Jared looked at her in bewilderment. "I can't hear you, Gwen. I think my ears are plugged up."
"What? Can you hear me now?" Gwen spoke as loud as she could without yelling.
"Oh, Gwen! Not so loud! I guess it was just temporary. Anyway, what were you saying?"
Gwen looked at him suspiciously. "I said that YOUR WIFE is s.crewing MY HUSBAND."
"It's happening again!" Jared stuck a finger in his ear. "I couldn't hear a thing you said. Do you have any Q-tips?"
"Unbelievable." Gwen shook her head. "Just come with me, Jared. Maybe if you see it for yourself you'll get the picture." She tugged him behind her and they walked in the room.
"There's no one here, Gwen. I think you're being unreasonably paranoid again." Jared gave her a pitying look.
"And I think that you're stupid enough to qualify for disability benefits but at least I don't say it out loud. Usually." Gwen looked around, and a distant moan caught her attention. "Aha! They're in the closet!" She yanked open the door. Sure enough, Theresa and Ethan were entwined together on the floor, groaning. They froze as the light hit them.
"Theresa! What are you doing in there?" Jared looked at her in amazement. "And why is your tongue in Ethan's mouth?"
"Uhhhhh..." Theresa quickly extracted her tongue and tried desperately to think of something to say.
"Guess, Jared." Gwen smiled triumphantly.
"Oh, it's that game again!" Jared said happily. "OK, Ethan and Theresa must have been playing a rousing game of Hide and Seek with Julian, and it was Julian's turn to seek but they both picked the same place to hide! And then a mini earthquake centered right under the Crane Mansion hit, rocking the floor and knocking her into Ethan's arms. When he reached out to steady her, he accidentally ripped her top off and when she slid to the floor, in trying to break her fall she reached out and tore off his pants. Then Ethan breathed in a giant dustball and wasn't able to breathe, Theresa stuck her tongue in his mouth in a desperate effort to clear his airway, and that's when we walked in! Am I right?" He beamed happily.
"Oh my God. I don't even have words." Gwen stared at him. "You truly are the biggest idiot I have ever met in my life. Jared, Theresa and Ethan are having sex. Behind our backs. Repeatedly. Does the bottle of KY and the trail of empty condom wrappers leading from your room to ours not tip you off?"
"What did you say, Gwen?" Jared tugged at his earlobe. "I'm having that temporary deafness problem again."
"I give up!" Gwen threw up her hands in exasperation as Theresa scrambled to her feet, grabbed Jared's hand and hurried from the room.
"Um, hi Gwen." Ethan stood up, high heel indentions still visible in his back. "I didn't think you'd be back so soon. Did you bring us an orphan?"
"Oh, shut up!" Gwen snapped. "You have been very bad, Ethan. Just for that, I'm not taking you to get your chest waxed tomorrow."
"But Gwen, you promised!" Ethan wailed.
"Not another word. Now stay here and think about what you've done!" Gwen stomped out of the room, slamming it closed behind her.
She headed downstairs, still fuming, and into the kitchen, yanking open the large freezer. "The only thing that's going to make me feel better is a gallon of Ben and Jerry's, especially since my favorite washer is broken." She grabbed the ice cream container and slumped down at the counter. What was she going to do? Alistair had been calling her every day screaming about how she was doing such a bad job of keeping Ethan and Theresa apart. Even her new friend, the blackmailer, was disappointed in her. "All I want to do is take Jane and my new orphan and get out of here." she sniffed to herself, a tear dripping on her Cherry Garcia.
"Hey, Gwen, what's wrong?" Jared walked into the kitchen and sat beside her.
"What's wrong? Are you kidding? You were just upstairs with me...aren't you the least bit..." she looked at Jared's blank expression and sighed. "Never mind. Maybe in your case ignorance really is bliss. Do you want some ice cream?"
"Sure." Jared grabbed a bowl and helped himself. "Gwen, I need to talk to you about something. Now this is going to sound crazy, I know, but ever since Ethan moved in...well, ok stop me if you think I'm way off base, but I think maybe she's not over Ethan, like maybe..." he paused for dramatic effect. "Maybe she might even be seeing him behind my back!"
Gwen faked a look of surprise. "No!" she gasped, her voice thick with sarcasm.
"Yes! I know it sounds crazy but I can't find her for hours, and when I do she's always with him, and I found his underwear in our bed and he's got fingernail scratches down his back, and last night I found 'Property of Ethan' tattooed across her-"
"Stop, I'm eating!" Gwen choked on her spoonful.
"Gwen, what are we going to do?" Jared looked at her as sorrowfully as a puppy that had been kicked by its master, and despite herself, she felt a frisson of pity for him. So he was stupider than dirt...he was still kinda cute and it wasn't his fault that his wife was such a revolving door. And it had been a long time for her...
"Gwen, why are you licking your lips like that? Don't you want to help me?"
"Sure, I do, Jared." Gwen scooted closer to him. "I know exactly what will make us both feel a hella of a lot better. Two words...revenge sex!"
TBC
On the next Passions Parody...
Gwen and Jared are caught!
A rated R+, nonsensical romp through Harmony containing lots of adult themes like bedroom scenes and soon to come, loads of violence. No character is safe in this fic, and if you are easily offended or have good taste, you probably shouldn't read this.
Three Days Later:
"There!" Gwen stood back and surveyed her work with a smile. "That should hold you."
"Gwen!" Ethan sat before her in their suite, shaking the ankle that she had just shackled to the leg of the chair. His wrists were already tied to the chair arms. "If you wanted to roleplay you could have just asked. My safety word is 'ducky'.
"Ducky?" Gwen shook her head. "Why-oh who cares. Ethan, I have not chained you to the chair to play with you. I did it so you wouldn't go sneaking off with Trampesa every time I turn my back. Now sit still and shut up."
"But...what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and listen to the sound of my own deep thoughts?" Ethan pondered that for a moment and then decided to give it a try. He closed his eyes and concentrated but the only thing he heard was a sound like crickets chirping. "I got nothing. This is boring."
"Here, this will keep you entertained." Gwen pushed the full length mirror that stood in their bedroom out of the corner, and positioned it in front of Ethan. He caught sight of his own reflection and stopped mid-complaint, entranced.
"Oooooh...nice. Yeah, baby, I've got it going on." He tilted his head to see his face at different angles, then licked his lips. "If only I caress my bulging biceps... Gwen, could you undo just one arm?"
"No." Gwen grabbed her purse. "I'm going shopping at Angelina Jolie's Orphan Emporium. If I have to be stuck with you, another child to raise will keep me busy. Besides, Jane could use another sibling. I'll be back in a few hours, and if you've been good, I'll take you for a walk. Bye now!" She backed out of the room, locking the door behind her. "That should keep Theresa out."
A few minutes later, Theresa peeked her head around the corner. "Ding, dong, the witch is GONE!" she sang quietly. "Nothing can keep me and Ethan apart." She started to creep forward, feeling her bra to make sure her lock picking kit hadn't slipped out, when she heard a voice call her name.
"Theresa?" Jared stumbled around the corner, holding his head. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing." Theresa whirled around and smiled innocently. "Why are you awake? Again?"
Jared shook his head as if to clear it. "I've been sleeping for the past 36 hours, Theresa. You know, I think you might have been wrong when you said the doctor wanted me to take twelve sleeping pills a night."
"Oh, yes, silly me. We'll have to inquire about that." Theresa forced herself to keep smiling. "Anyway, you look exhausted. Why don't you hurry off back to bed and I'll join you...um, later."
"Theresa, come on, let's spend some time together." Jared reached for her hand. "This is one of the few times I know where you are, and Ethan isn't in the corner of the room looking suspiciously guilty and wiping lipstick off his face that looks just like yours. Who knows when we'll have a moment like this again? Especially with you wanting to have another baby-we'll be pretty pressed for private time."
"I suppose." Theresa bit her lip in frustration. It had been at least forty five minutes since she and Ethan had gone at it like raging teenagers, and she was starting to get antsy. "Let me just, um...." she spotted Gwen's baseball bat leaning against the wall and smiled. "Oh Jared, look over there-what's that?"
"I don't see any-" Jared's next words were lost when the baseball bat met the side of his head. He fell to the floor in an unconscious heap and Theresa stepped over him.
"I'm coming, Ethan...hang on!"
****
Three hours later Gwen walked down the hall towards her rooms, still reading the brochures she'd picked up at the Orphan Emporium. "Ethan!" She started to call out. "Great news. I filled out all the applications and placed my order. I can pick up my new child on Tuesday!" She stopped mid sentence as she realized the door to her suite was open, Theresa's lock pick equipment still scattered on the hallway floor. Jared's unconscious form lay nearby. "Oh for the love of Maytag...now what has that Super S.lut done?" She leaned down. "Jared, wake up. Jared!" She shook him.
"What?" Jared lifted up his head and blinked. "Gwen? I don't know what happened. I was talking to Theresa and next thing I know, I'm on the floor. Where is she?"
Gwen rolled her eyes as she helped him stand. "Probably straddling Ethan."
"What?" Jared looked at her in bewilderment. "I can't hear you, Gwen. I think my ears are plugged up."
"What? Can you hear me now?" Gwen spoke as loud as she could without yelling.
"Oh, Gwen! Not so loud! I guess it was just temporary. Anyway, what were you saying?"
Gwen looked at him suspiciously. "I said that YOUR WIFE is s.crewing MY HUSBAND."
"It's happening again!" Jared stuck a finger in his ear. "I couldn't hear a thing you said. Do you have any Q-tips?"
"Unbelievable." Gwen shook her head. "Just come with me, Jared. Maybe if you see it for yourself you'll get the picture." She tugged him behind her and they walked in the room.
"There's no one here, Gwen. I think you're being unreasonably paranoid again." Jared gave her a pitying look.
"And I think that you're stupid enough to qualify for disability benefits but at least I don't say it out loud. Usually." Gwen looked around, and a distant moan caught her attention. "Aha! They're in the closet!" She yanked open the door. Sure enough, Theresa and Ethan were entwined together on the floor, groaning. They froze as the light hit them.
"Theresa! What are you doing in there?" Jared looked at her in amazement. "And why is your tongue in Ethan's mouth?"
"Uhhhhh..." Theresa quickly extracted her tongue and tried desperately to think of something to say.
"Guess, Jared." Gwen smiled triumphantly.
"Oh, it's that game again!" Jared said happily. "OK, Ethan and Theresa must have been playing a rousing game of Hide and Seek with Julian, and it was Julian's turn to seek but they both picked the same place to hide! And then a mini earthquake centered right under the Crane Mansion hit, rocking the floor and knocking her into Ethan's arms. When he reached out to steady her, he accidentally ripped her top off and when she slid to the floor, in trying to break her fall she reached out and tore off his pants. Then Ethan breathed in a giant dustball and wasn't able to breathe, Theresa stuck her tongue in his mouth in a desperate effort to clear his airway, and that's when we walked in! Am I right?" He beamed happily.
"Oh my God. I don't even have words." Gwen stared at him. "You truly are the biggest idiot I have ever met in my life. Jared, Theresa and Ethan are having sex. Behind our backs. Repeatedly. Does the bottle of KY and the trail of empty condom wrappers leading from your room to ours not tip you off?"
"What did you say, Gwen?" Jared tugged at his earlobe. "I'm having that temporary deafness problem again."
"I give up!" Gwen threw up her hands in exasperation as Theresa scrambled to her feet, grabbed Jared's hand and hurried from the room.
"Um, hi Gwen." Ethan stood up, high heel indentions still visible in his back. "I didn't think you'd be back so soon. Did you bring us an orphan?"
"Oh, shut up!" Gwen snapped. "You have been very bad, Ethan. Just for that, I'm not taking you to get your chest waxed tomorrow."
"But Gwen, you promised!" Ethan wailed.
"Not another word. Now stay here and think about what you've done!" Gwen stomped out of the room, slamming it closed behind her.
She headed downstairs, still fuming, and into the kitchen, yanking open the large freezer. "The only thing that's going to make me feel better is a gallon of Ben and Jerry's, especially since my favorite washer is broken." She grabbed the ice cream container and slumped down at the counter. What was she going to do? Alistair had been calling her every day screaming about how she was doing such a bad job of keeping Ethan and Theresa apart. Even her new friend, the blackmailer, was disappointed in her. "All I want to do is take Jane and my new orphan and get out of here." she sniffed to herself, a tear dripping on her Cherry Garcia.
"Hey, Gwen, what's wrong?" Jared walked into the kitchen and sat beside her.
"What's wrong? Are you kidding? You were just upstairs with me...aren't you the least bit..." she looked at Jared's blank expression and sighed. "Never mind. Maybe in your case ignorance really is bliss. Do you want some ice cream?"
"Sure." Jared grabbed a bowl and helped himself. "Gwen, I need to talk to you about something. Now this is going to sound crazy, I know, but ever since Ethan moved in...well, ok stop me if you think I'm way off base, but I think maybe she's not over Ethan, like maybe..." he paused for dramatic effect. "Maybe she might even be seeing him behind my back!"
Gwen faked a look of surprise. "No!" she gasped, her voice thick with sarcasm.
"Yes! I know it sounds crazy but I can't find her for hours, and when I do she's always with him, and I found his underwear in our bed and he's got fingernail scratches down his back, and last night I found 'Property of Ethan' tattooed across her-"
"Stop, I'm eating!" Gwen choked on her spoonful.
"Gwen, what are we going to do?" Jared looked at her as sorrowfully as a puppy that had been kicked by its master, and despite herself, she felt a frisson of pity for him. So he was stupider than dirt...he was still kinda cute and it wasn't his fault that his wife was such a revolving door. And it had been a long time for her...
"Gwen, why are you licking your lips like that? Don't you want to help me?"
"Sure, I do, Jared." Gwen scooted closer to him. "I know exactly what will make us both feel a hella of a lot better. Two words...revenge sex!"
TBC
On the next Passions Parody...
Gwen and Jared are caught!
Angelina Jolie's Orphan Emporium!?!
I NEED more Ava.
I NEED more Ava.
More please!!!
OMFG... this is so funny I have tears from laughing so much! Keep it coming Ava...
Can't wait to see how Theresa is going to react to Gwen sleeping with her "husband."
Can't wait to see how Theresa is going to react to Gwen sleeping with her "husband."
Angelina Jolie's Orphanareum
Property of Ethan
Poor Ethan, no chest waxing
This is hilarious and I'm dying from laughter!!!
Property of Ethan
Poor Ethan, no chest waxing
This is hilarious and I'm dying from laughter!!!
Passions Parody
"Wow." Jared sat up from his prone position on the kitchen counter. "That was...just WOW!"
Gwen climbed off of him, grinning. "It was, wasn't it?" She beamed. "It was more fun then being locked in a Sears home appliance center after closing!"
"What?" Jared looked at her, bewildered.
"Oh, nothing." Gwen began to straighten her clothing.
At that moment they heard Theresa's voice call from the next room. "Jared! It's time for your six o'clock Valium/Xanax cocktail!"
Jared buttoned his pants hurriedly. "I gotta go, Gwen. Hey...um...thanks. I mean, I know it was wrong but..."
"Jared!!" Theresa's voice rose to a shriek and with another apologetic glance at Gwen, he hurried from the room.
Still smiling, Gwen sat back down at the counter. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all." She thought to herself. "If I have to be stuck here, I might as well make the most of it. I'm living in the Crane Mansion, Theresa keeps Ethan so busy that I hardly ever have to endure his presence, Jared's close by when I feel lonely, I have Jane and my orphan is coming...this could work!" She felt better than she had in a long time. Why had she wasted so much time feeling sorry for herself?
Her phone rang and Gwen was relieved to hear that her normal ringtone was back. "Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!" She sang along. "Doncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me!" She climbed off her stool and began to dance, really getting into it-until she tried to drop it like it was hot and her back started to spasm. "Ow, ow, ow!" She stumbled back to the counter and sat down. The ringtone continued to play until finally it broke off and spoke in an impatient voice..."Beeyitch, answer the dayum phone already!"
"Fine!" Gwen snapped back. She put the phone to her ear.
"GWEN!!!" Alistair's voice thundered his displeasure. "I am not happy!! I have been watching my video monitors like an aging nerd boy who's never known a woman's touch, and Ethan and Theresa are together more than ever!! Why have you been so derelict in your duty towards me? Have I not instructed you to keep them apart?"
"Alistair, I've tried!" Gwen whined. "I've done everything I can but you know...maybe we just shouldn't fight this. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am really starting to believe Ethan and Theresa were meant to be together. I mean, they're a perfect match, like...syphillis and gonorrhea!"
"I don't want to hear about fate! I will make fate my beeyitch and ride her like Rebecca's donkey! That's it...I've left things in your hands too long. I'm coming back to Harmony, Gwen...and when I do, you'll be sorry you didn't hold up your part of the bargain."
Fear gripped Gwen's heart in its icy fingers and squeezed. "What are you going to do to me?" She whispered.
"I didn't want to do it, Gwen, but you've forced my hand. When I get to Harmony, you will endure the worst torture known to man, and you know what I'm talking about." Alistair's voice was more threatening and sinister then she'd ever heard it.
"No, Alistair...you don't mean...!" Gwen's voice shook.
"Yes, Gwen....I'm taking you to a....MADONNA MOVIE MARATHON!" Vile laughter filled her ears.
"NOOOO!!!"
"Yes!!! Shanghai Surprise, Who's That Girl, Swept Away, The Next Best Thing....do I have to go on?"
"Oh, please, Alistair, anything but that!" Gwen sobbed into the phone.
"It's too late-you had your chance. Enjoy your last night of peace! You know what they say, Gwen...no one's ever been able to survive the whole marathon...most kill themselves in the first six hours. It will be interesting to see how long you last. See you soon." There was a click, and the line went dead.
Trembling, Gwen stood up. What was she going to do? Before she had time to think it over, Theresa swept in the room, clad in a long, nearly see through negligee.
"Gwen." she spat. "I was hoping you'd crawled off and died somewhere, but no such luck. I just came to tell you that I'm having a little party tonight. Do me a favor and stay out of sight."
Gwen snapped back. "I'll go where I want, when I want, and there's nothing you can do about it, Ms. Charges by the Hour."
"You are really asking for it!" Theresa stepped forward threateningly.
"Actually, Theresa, according to my doctor, I've already caught it. Do me a favor and start using toilet seat covers, ok?" Gwen sneered.
"Oh, that's it!" Theresa leapt forward and grabbed Gwen by the throat, throttling her until she turned purple. Just as Gwen was about to pass out, Ethan wandered into the kitchen, shirt open as usual and his chest covered in lipstick kiss marks.
"Theresa, I thought you were coming right back with the whipped-hey, are you two ladies fighting over me again?" Ethan smiled and then pulled them apart, easing himself between them. "There's no need for all this hostility, you know. There's plenty of the Ethanator to go around!" He put his arm around both of them.
"EWWWWW! Now I'm going to have nightmares!" Gwen tossed his arm off of her. "I'm going upstairs to get dressed for the party."
"More for me, then!' Theresa snatched the whip cream canister out of the fridge and then threw herself on Ethan, who lost his balance and fell on the floor. Constance shook her head as she walked by to get Julian's Geritol and Viagra out of the cupboard. "I gotta get a new job." She mumbled to herself.
****
Gwen wandered through the living room, bored nearly to the point of tears. Finally, she saw someone she actually could speak to without projectile vomitiing and hurried over.
"Sheridan! What are you doing, sitting in the corner all by yourself?" She asked her long time friend. Sheridan didn't seem to hear her as she stared straight ahead, twitching slightly. "Yes, yes, kill Fancy." She whispered to herself. "I understand..." She giggled maniacally and then suddenly her voice changed to that of a little girl. "No, Sheridan...that would be BAD! You must be a good little girl, else you'll get a spanking!" Her voice changed again. "Oh shut up! Spankings aren't so bad if you get them from the right person. Listen to me, Sheridan...kill Fancy....kill them all and let God sort out the designer originals from the knockoffs! HAHAHA!"
"Um, Sheridan!" Gwen snapped her fingers in front of her friend's vacant, wild eyed face. "You in there?"
Sheridan finally looked up. "Must...kill...oh, I mean, hi Gwen! How nice to see you again!"
"Yeah. You're off your medication, I take it." Gwen took a wary step back.
"Sheridan isn't here right now. Would you like to leave a message?" Sheridan's voice deepened, and her eyes glowed red.
"Oh, no thanks. I'll call back." Gwen said hastily. She took several more steps back, and then turned and ran the other way. "Note to self...do NOT drink the water here. From now, imported and bottled only."
"Who are you talking to?" Jared asked behind her.
"Oh, just myself..." Gwen broke off as she realized what she'd just said. "Oh God, it's already too late for me!"
"What?" Jared looked bewildered.
"Never mind. Hey, what are you doing conscious?" Gwen looked at him in surprise.
"I spit out my pills." Jared smiled proudly.
"Good for you!" Gwen patted his arm.
"Yeah, I feel better than I have in days. And actually...." Jared looked her up and down. "I'm feeling a LOT better. Very...alert. Standing at attention, in fact."
"Oh really?" Gwen grinned back at him. "Well, I suggest we make the most of it." Laughing, she grabbed his hand, looked around quickly to make sure no one was paying attention, and then dragged him off.
****
"Attention, everyone!" Theresa stood in center of the room and clapped her hands. "It's time to eat! If you would all follow me into the dining room..." She turned and led the way.
The dining table was set with pretentious detail, the finest china laid out, candles lit, expensive flower arrangements. The guests oooh'd and ah'd appropriately, then with a flourish Theresa sat herself down at the head of the table and everyone followed. Just as the waiters were bringing in the first course and light conversation was beginning again, the table suddenly shook as if a tiny earthquake had struck. The conversation stopped as everyone looked at the vibrating table in confusion.
"What the...wait, do you hear that?" Theresa put a finger over her mouth for silence. They all listened. At first the sounds were quiet, just a few moans and sighs, but it got progressively louder, and the vibrations became more violent as even the floor began to shake.
"Oh, Jared!" They heard a voice cry. "Say it again, say it again! Talk dirty to me!"
"You know I will, baby! OK, here I go...Westinghouse! General Electric! Maytag! Whirlpool!"
This was followed by a loud scream of ecstasy. The guests stared, wide eyed, some looking envious.
"Theresa, what's going on?" Ethan gave her one of his patented blank stares.
"Someone's under the table getting their freak on!" Theresa gasped and tears came to her eyes. "That's our special place!" Angrily, she pulled up the tablecloth and looked underneath. "Come out of there, right now, so that I can-" She stopped in shock as Jared climbed out on his hands and knees, his face bright red.
"Um, Theresa, I can explain-"
"What the-who is-" Theresa sputtered in amazement as she saw who was climbing out behind him. She and Ethan both said it at the same time.
"GWEN?!?"
TBC
On the next Passions Parody
Alistair returns. Gwen buys a one-way ticket to Crazytown.
"Wow." Jared sat up from his prone position on the kitchen counter. "That was...just WOW!"
Gwen climbed off of him, grinning. "It was, wasn't it?" She beamed. "It was more fun then being locked in a Sears home appliance center after closing!"
"What?" Jared looked at her, bewildered.
"Oh, nothing." Gwen began to straighten her clothing.
At that moment they heard Theresa's voice call from the next room. "Jared! It's time for your six o'clock Valium/Xanax cocktail!"
Jared buttoned his pants hurriedly. "I gotta go, Gwen. Hey...um...thanks. I mean, I know it was wrong but..."
"Jared!!" Theresa's voice rose to a shriek and with another apologetic glance at Gwen, he hurried from the room.
Still smiling, Gwen sat back down at the counter. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all." She thought to herself. "If I have to be stuck here, I might as well make the most of it. I'm living in the Crane Mansion, Theresa keeps Ethan so busy that I hardly ever have to endure his presence, Jared's close by when I feel lonely, I have Jane and my orphan is coming...this could work!" She felt better than she had in a long time. Why had she wasted so much time feeling sorry for herself?
Her phone rang and Gwen was relieved to hear that her normal ringtone was back. "Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!" She sang along. "Doncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me!" She climbed off her stool and began to dance, really getting into it-until she tried to drop it like it was hot and her back started to spasm. "Ow, ow, ow!" She stumbled back to the counter and sat down. The ringtone continued to play until finally it broke off and spoke in an impatient voice..."Beeyitch, answer the dayum phone already!"
"Fine!" Gwen snapped back. She put the phone to her ear.
"GWEN!!!" Alistair's voice thundered his displeasure. "I am not happy!! I have been watching my video monitors like an aging nerd boy who's never known a woman's touch, and Ethan and Theresa are together more than ever!! Why have you been so derelict in your duty towards me? Have I not instructed you to keep them apart?"
"Alistair, I've tried!" Gwen whined. "I've done everything I can but you know...maybe we just shouldn't fight this. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am really starting to believe Ethan and Theresa were meant to be together. I mean, they're a perfect match, like...syphillis and gonorrhea!"
"I don't want to hear about fate! I will make fate my beeyitch and ride her like Rebecca's donkey! That's it...I've left things in your hands too long. I'm coming back to Harmony, Gwen...and when I do, you'll be sorry you didn't hold up your part of the bargain."
Fear gripped Gwen's heart in its icy fingers and squeezed. "What are you going to do to me?" She whispered.
"I didn't want to do it, Gwen, but you've forced my hand. When I get to Harmony, you will endure the worst torture known to man, and you know what I'm talking about." Alistair's voice was more threatening and sinister then she'd ever heard it.
"No, Alistair...you don't mean...!" Gwen's voice shook.
"Yes, Gwen....I'm taking you to a....MADONNA MOVIE MARATHON!" Vile laughter filled her ears.
"NOOOO!!!"
"Yes!!! Shanghai Surprise, Who's That Girl, Swept Away, The Next Best Thing....do I have to go on?"
"Oh, please, Alistair, anything but that!" Gwen sobbed into the phone.
"It's too late-you had your chance. Enjoy your last night of peace! You know what they say, Gwen...no one's ever been able to survive the whole marathon...most kill themselves in the first six hours. It will be interesting to see how long you last. See you soon." There was a click, and the line went dead.
Trembling, Gwen stood up. What was she going to do? Before she had time to think it over, Theresa swept in the room, clad in a long, nearly see through negligee.
"Gwen." she spat. "I was hoping you'd crawled off and died somewhere, but no such luck. I just came to tell you that I'm having a little party tonight. Do me a favor and stay out of sight."
Gwen snapped back. "I'll go where I want, when I want, and there's nothing you can do about it, Ms. Charges by the Hour."
"You are really asking for it!" Theresa stepped forward threateningly.
"Actually, Theresa, according to my doctor, I've already caught it. Do me a favor and start using toilet seat covers, ok?" Gwen sneered.
"Oh, that's it!" Theresa leapt forward and grabbed Gwen by the throat, throttling her until she turned purple. Just as Gwen was about to pass out, Ethan wandered into the kitchen, shirt open as usual and his chest covered in lipstick kiss marks.
"Theresa, I thought you were coming right back with the whipped-hey, are you two ladies fighting over me again?" Ethan smiled and then pulled them apart, easing himself between them. "There's no need for all this hostility, you know. There's plenty of the Ethanator to go around!" He put his arm around both of them.
"EWWWWW! Now I'm going to have nightmares!" Gwen tossed his arm off of her. "I'm going upstairs to get dressed for the party."
"More for me, then!' Theresa snatched the whip cream canister out of the fridge and then threw herself on Ethan, who lost his balance and fell on the floor. Constance shook her head as she walked by to get Julian's Geritol and Viagra out of the cupboard. "I gotta get a new job." She mumbled to herself.
****
Gwen wandered through the living room, bored nearly to the point of tears. Finally, she saw someone she actually could speak to without projectile vomitiing and hurried over.
"Sheridan! What are you doing, sitting in the corner all by yourself?" She asked her long time friend. Sheridan didn't seem to hear her as she stared straight ahead, twitching slightly. "Yes, yes, kill Fancy." She whispered to herself. "I understand..." She giggled maniacally and then suddenly her voice changed to that of a little girl. "No, Sheridan...that would be BAD! You must be a good little girl, else you'll get a spanking!" Her voice changed again. "Oh shut up! Spankings aren't so bad if you get them from the right person. Listen to me, Sheridan...kill Fancy....kill them all and let God sort out the designer originals from the knockoffs! HAHAHA!"
"Um, Sheridan!" Gwen snapped her fingers in front of her friend's vacant, wild eyed face. "You in there?"
Sheridan finally looked up. "Must...kill...oh, I mean, hi Gwen! How nice to see you again!"
"Yeah. You're off your medication, I take it." Gwen took a wary step back.
"Sheridan isn't here right now. Would you like to leave a message?" Sheridan's voice deepened, and her eyes glowed red.
"Oh, no thanks. I'll call back." Gwen said hastily. She took several more steps back, and then turned and ran the other way. "Note to self...do NOT drink the water here. From now, imported and bottled only."
"Who are you talking to?" Jared asked behind her.
"Oh, just myself..." Gwen broke off as she realized what she'd just said. "Oh God, it's already too late for me!"
"What?" Jared looked bewildered.
"Never mind. Hey, what are you doing conscious?" Gwen looked at him in surprise.
"I spit out my pills." Jared smiled proudly.
"Good for you!" Gwen patted his arm.
"Yeah, I feel better than I have in days. And actually...." Jared looked her up and down. "I'm feeling a LOT better. Very...alert. Standing at attention, in fact."
"Oh really?" Gwen grinned back at him. "Well, I suggest we make the most of it." Laughing, she grabbed his hand, looked around quickly to make sure no one was paying attention, and then dragged him off.
****
"Attention, everyone!" Theresa stood in center of the room and clapped her hands. "It's time to eat! If you would all follow me into the dining room..." She turned and led the way.
The dining table was set with pretentious detail, the finest china laid out, candles lit, expensive flower arrangements. The guests oooh'd and ah'd appropriately, then with a flourish Theresa sat herself down at the head of the table and everyone followed. Just as the waiters were bringing in the first course and light conversation was beginning again, the table suddenly shook as if a tiny earthquake had struck. The conversation stopped as everyone looked at the vibrating table in confusion.
"What the...wait, do you hear that?" Theresa put a finger over her mouth for silence. They all listened. At first the sounds were quiet, just a few moans and sighs, but it got progressively louder, and the vibrations became more violent as even the floor began to shake.
"Oh, Jared!" They heard a voice cry. "Say it again, say it again! Talk dirty to me!"
"You know I will, baby! OK, here I go...Westinghouse! General Electric! Maytag! Whirlpool!"
This was followed by a loud scream of ecstasy. The guests stared, wide eyed, some looking envious.
"Theresa, what's going on?" Ethan gave her one of his patented blank stares.
"Someone's under the table getting their freak on!" Theresa gasped and tears came to her eyes. "That's our special place!" Angrily, she pulled up the tablecloth and looked underneath. "Come out of there, right now, so that I can-" She stopped in shock as Jared climbed out on his hands and knees, his face bright red.
"Um, Theresa, I can explain-"
"What the-who is-" Theresa sputtered in amazement as she saw who was climbing out behind him. She and Ethan both said it at the same time.
"GWEN?!?"
TBC
On the next Passions Parody
Alistair returns. Gwen buys a one-way ticket to Crazytown.
AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
I NEED MORE!!!
I NEED MORE!!!
ROFLMAO!!!! Please write more!!!
This is the best, keep it coming!!! I love it, their special place, hahahaha!!!
Bumping!!!
bump!!!
I will try to have another chapter up tonight or tomorrow...I'm working on my original story right now, which is very dramatic, so it's hard to break out of that state of mind. Thanks for reading-I'm having fun with it!
As long as I get to read something you've written I'm a happy camper Ava.
I'm glad that you will be posting another chapter and I look forward to reading it
"Ava?"
*comes in, wanders around, looking for update*
"Ava?"
*leaves*
*comes in, wanders around, looking for update*
"Ava?"
*leaves*
Bumping for more!!!
ROTFLMAO!! Is this too funny! I love it! Cant wait to read more!!
Ava, my funny bone is broken, I need your story to fix it 
You guys are the BEST...thank you so much for checking-it keeps me inspired to write! This will be updated today but I've got to do R Is For Revenge first because it's been a while on that.
bumping for more! I need my laughs for today!!
Too funny. Need more soon.
could use a couple laughs today... anymore coming soon?
Still waiting.....
More Ava, more more more!!!
It's lonely here without some hot Maytag-assisted Jaren lovin'.
*cries*
*cries*
bumping for more!!
QUOTE (high heeled empress @ Jun 16 2007, 05:14 AM) 
It's lonely here without some hot Maytag-assisted Jaren lovin'.
*cries*
*cries*
QUOTE (high heeled empress @ Jun 16 2007, 07:14 AM)
It's lonely here without some hot Maytag-assisted Jaren lovin'.
*cries*
*cries*
OMG... ROFLMAO!
bump.. need more funny...
LOL, I'm going to work on it now. I can't promise too much funniness...I've been really stressed lately. But I will do my best!
Don't even worry about it being funny or your stress. I'll bet it'll be super funny because you are so stressed, your creativity has to come out
Are you going to enter my fanfic contest?
Are you going to enter my fanfic contest?
Passions Parody
The guests all began to talk at once as Jared zipped up his pants, his face still bright red, and then began stammering apologies.
"I don't believe it!" Theresa cried, her eyes enormously large. "Jared, you and....Gwen??? Under the table? At MY party? How could you?"
Gwen snickered as she got to her feet, smoothing the wrinkles out of her clothes. "Oh, come on, Theresa, are we supposed to feel bad for you now? After what you've done to Jared I think he more than deserved a little hanky panky with a REAL woman, don't you agree?"
"OK, beeyitch, that's it....IT'S ON!!" Theresa leapt across the table and went for Gwen's throat. The two women rolled around on the floor in slow motion, skirts riding up, exposing skin, as steamy music played and the guests clapped, screamed, and cheered on their favorites.
Vincent pulled a camera out of his pocket and began snapping pictures. "I'm going to make a killing on these!" He exclaimed happily.
Rebecca hurriedly pulled a camcorder out of her cleavage and then shoved him aside. "Out of the way, Bi-Boy...I'm selling this to Girls Gone Wild!" She zoomed in on the action. "Get her, Gwen! That's my girl!"
Constance, never one to miss an entreprenurial opportunity, walked by with a vendor's box as the fight continued. "Team Theresa t-shirts! Get your Team Theresa t-shirts right here-ten dollars!"
"I'll take a Team Theresa t-shirt, size medium...oh, and give me one of those Team Gwen hats, would ya?" Ethan handed her a twenty.
"Way to pick a side." Jared sneered as he watched.
"Oh, you're one to talk. Wasn't that you banging my wife under the table a few minutes ago?" Ethan snapped back.
"Yeah, whatcha going to do about it?" Jared stepped up to Ethan, sticking out his rather unimpressive chest.
As the two of them circled each other menacingly, no one noticed the large screen tv in the next room flick to life. The blackmailer's face filled the screen. "Citizens of Harmony..." The ominous voice sneered. "Now you will experience real terror at my-hey, where is everyone?" The blackmailer looked around. "Hello? Terrifying blackmailer right here...anyone home? Is this thing on?" It tapped the screen.
Back in the dining room Vincent glanced up from reloading his camera, and looked through the doorway, his jaw dropping as he saw the blackmailer's face on the screen. Cautiously, he backed out of the dining room and then hurried over to the television.
"Oh, it's you." The blackmailer's voice sounded disappointed. "I can't do anything with you-you have no shame. The only thing that would embarass you is getting your Man***** membership card revoked. Go get me someone who has something to lose, will you?"
Vincent looked at the blackmailer's figure on the screen. "I'm dying to know what's under that fascinating outfit. Are you a man or a woman?"
"Wouldn't you like to know." The blackmailer sneered .
"Would I!" Vincent licked his lips and the blackmailer shuddered.
"Back off, Slutty McSlutface. Even I have standards." It snapped. "But hey, you can do something for me. Wheel me into the dining room, would you?"
Vincent shrugged. "You have no idea what you're missing out on, but fine." He pulled the tv stand away from the wall and rolled it into the dining room.
The blackmailer stared through the monitor, surveying the chaos in the room. Theresa and Gwen had stopped rolling around the floor and now were standing toe to toe screaming insults at each other. On the other side of the room, Jared had Ethan in a headlock. The guests looked on happily, munching popcorn that Constance had sold to them.
"Can you believe Theresa and Gwen? What a couple of tramps, the way they just run from man to man!" Kay whispered to Tabitha as they gazed at the shrieking women.
*ahem* Tabitha coughed loudly. *cough* "You would know." *cough*
"That's a nasty cough you have there, Tabitha. You should drink some tea or something." Kay mumbled distractedly as she winked at Miguel across the room.
"Of course, dear. You're so thoughtful." Tabitha said sweetly. *cough* "Trollop." *cough*
"Now let's try this again." The blackmailer said. "Attention, Citizens of Harmony!"
No one even looked up, just continued to watch the action.
"I am here to inform you all that your bloody, screaming doom is almost upon you!" The blackmailer swelled dramatically.
Still no response.
"Hello? It's the blackmailer here! Helloooo? OK, how about this? The apocalypse is here, run while you can! Women and children first, because they're tastier and the beasts will eat them while the rest of you run to safety!"
Still nothing. The blackmailer ground its teeth in frustration as it thought. "Hey, there's a special on paternity tests at the hospital! Three for twenty bucks and they'll throw in a 10% discount coupon on maternity tests in case of surrogacy gone wrong!"
Every head whipped around. "Really? Where?"
"It's you!" Theresa cried, pointing a shaking finger. "You...you monster! You evil fiend, blackmailing me over my most intimate, covert, unfathomable secret-"
"That Little Ethan is Ethan's son! We KNOW!!" The whole crowd screamed back at her.
"****, even I know that, Mom." Little Ethan snapped from the corner where he was busy spray painting 'Harmony Sucks!' on the wall.
"What did everyone say?" Ethan looked bewildered. "My ears suddenly became clogged up."
"Wanna borrow a Q-tip?" Jared asked him.
"Anyway, as I was saying." The blackmailer shook its half head of hair back and was about to continue when Gwen stepped forward from the crowd, taking the brass knuckles that she'd been beating Theresa with off her fingers.
"Gwennie! Hey, girlfriend, how's it going? You look great! Love the highlights! Hey, we're still on for RENT this weekend, aren't we? I can't wait to see it live... 'take me ouuuuuuuuttt tonight'!"
A watch alarm suddenly sounded and the blackmailer looked down. "Gotta hustle over to Salem...Brandon Beemer just jumped in the shower and I wanna watch. Guess we'll do this later. Bye, losers! See you later, Gwen!"
"Bye!" Gwen chirped back and waved as the blackmailer disappeared off the screen. Her smile slowly faded as she realized every single person in the room was glaring at her. "What?"
"You're in league with the blackmailer!" Theresa stepped forward and pointed at Gwen dramatically, then turned to the crowd. "It's time for her to pay!"
TBC
Sorry this is so short; just got a lot going on right now. It doesn't affect me writing drama too much but comedy is harder at the moment. I may put this story on hiatus for a while or something-doesn't mean I won't finish it but probably will go back to it when I'm in a lighter mindset.
Aoe Sunshine, I might enter the contest, it sounds like fun! It depends on how much real life crap interferes with my writing time.
The guests all began to talk at once as Jared zipped up his pants, his face still bright red, and then began stammering apologies.
"I don't believe it!" Theresa cried, her eyes enormously large. "Jared, you and....Gwen??? Under the table? At MY party? How could you?"
Gwen snickered as she got to her feet, smoothing the wrinkles out of her clothes. "Oh, come on, Theresa, are we supposed to feel bad for you now? After what you've done to Jared I think he more than deserved a little hanky panky with a REAL woman, don't you agree?"
"OK, beeyitch, that's it....IT'S ON!!" Theresa leapt across the table and went for Gwen's throat. The two women rolled around on the floor in slow motion, skirts riding up, exposing skin, as steamy music played and the guests clapped, screamed, and cheered on their favorites.
Vincent pulled a camera out of his pocket and began snapping pictures. "I'm going to make a killing on these!" He exclaimed happily.
Rebecca hurriedly pulled a camcorder out of her cleavage and then shoved him aside. "Out of the way, Bi-Boy...I'm selling this to Girls Gone Wild!" She zoomed in on the action. "Get her, Gwen! That's my girl!"
Constance, never one to miss an entreprenurial opportunity, walked by with a vendor's box as the fight continued. "Team Theresa t-shirts! Get your Team Theresa t-shirts right here-ten dollars!"
"I'll take a Team Theresa t-shirt, size medium...oh, and give me one of those Team Gwen hats, would ya?" Ethan handed her a twenty.
"Way to pick a side." Jared sneered as he watched.
"Oh, you're one to talk. Wasn't that you banging my wife under the table a few minutes ago?" Ethan snapped back.
"Yeah, whatcha going to do about it?" Jared stepped up to Ethan, sticking out his rather unimpressive chest.
As the two of them circled each other menacingly, no one noticed the large screen tv in the next room flick to life. The blackmailer's face filled the screen. "Citizens of Harmony..." The ominous voice sneered. "Now you will experience real terror at my-hey, where is everyone?" The blackmailer looked around. "Hello? Terrifying blackmailer right here...anyone home? Is this thing on?" It tapped the screen.
Back in the dining room Vincent glanced up from reloading his camera, and looked through the doorway, his jaw dropping as he saw the blackmailer's face on the screen. Cautiously, he backed out of the dining room and then hurried over to the television.
"Oh, it's you." The blackmailer's voice sounded disappointed. "I can't do anything with you-you have no shame. The only thing that would embarass you is getting your Man***** membership card revoked. Go get me someone who has something to lose, will you?"
Vincent looked at the blackmailer's figure on the screen. "I'm dying to know what's under that fascinating outfit. Are you a man or a woman?"
"Wouldn't you like to know." The blackmailer sneered .
"Would I!" Vincent licked his lips and the blackmailer shuddered.
"Back off, Slutty McSlutface. Even I have standards." It snapped. "But hey, you can do something for me. Wheel me into the dining room, would you?"
Vincent shrugged. "You have no idea what you're missing out on, but fine." He pulled the tv stand away from the wall and rolled it into the dining room.
The blackmailer stared through the monitor, surveying the chaos in the room. Theresa and Gwen had stopped rolling around the floor and now were standing toe to toe screaming insults at each other. On the other side of the room, Jared had Ethan in a headlock. The guests looked on happily, munching popcorn that Constance had sold to them.
"Can you believe Theresa and Gwen? What a couple of tramps, the way they just run from man to man!" Kay whispered to Tabitha as they gazed at the shrieking women.
*ahem* Tabitha coughed loudly. *cough* "You would know." *cough*
"That's a nasty cough you have there, Tabitha. You should drink some tea or something." Kay mumbled distractedly as she winked at Miguel across the room.
"Of course, dear. You're so thoughtful." Tabitha said sweetly. *cough* "Trollop." *cough*
"Now let's try this again." The blackmailer said. "Attention, Citizens of Harmony!"
No one even looked up, just continued to watch the action.
"I am here to inform you all that your bloody, screaming doom is almost upon you!" The blackmailer swelled dramatically.
Still no response.
"Hello? It's the blackmailer here! Helloooo? OK, how about this? The apocalypse is here, run while you can! Women and children first, because they're tastier and the beasts will eat them while the rest of you run to safety!"
Still nothing. The blackmailer ground its teeth in frustration as it thought. "Hey, there's a special on paternity tests at the hospital! Three for twenty bucks and they'll throw in a 10% discount coupon on maternity tests in case of surrogacy gone wrong!"
Every head whipped around. "Really? Where?"
"It's you!" Theresa cried, pointing a shaking finger. "You...you monster! You evil fiend, blackmailing me over my most intimate, covert, unfathomable secret-"
"That Little Ethan is Ethan's son! We KNOW!!" The whole crowd screamed back at her.
"****, even I know that, Mom." Little Ethan snapped from the corner where he was busy spray painting 'Harmony Sucks!' on the wall.
"What did everyone say?" Ethan looked bewildered. "My ears suddenly became clogged up."
"Wanna borrow a Q-tip?" Jared asked him.
"Anyway, as I was saying." The blackmailer shook its half head of hair back and was about to continue when Gwen stepped forward from the crowd, taking the brass knuckles that she'd been beating Theresa with off her fingers.
"Gwennie! Hey, girlfriend, how's it going? You look great! Love the highlights! Hey, we're still on for RENT this weekend, aren't we? I can't wait to see it live... 'take me ouuuuuuuuttt tonight'!"
A watch alarm suddenly sounded and the blackmailer looked down. "Gotta hustle over to Salem...Brandon Beemer just jumped in the shower and I wanna watch. Guess we'll do this later. Bye, losers! See you later, Gwen!"
"Bye!" Gwen chirped back and waved as the blackmailer disappeared off the screen. Her smile slowly faded as she realized every single person in the room was glaring at her. "What?"
"You're in league with the blackmailer!" Theresa stepped forward and pointed at Gwen dramatically, then turned to the crowd. "It's time for her to pay!"
TBC
Sorry this is so short; just got a lot going on right now. It doesn't affect me writing drama too much but comedy is harder at the moment. I may put this story on hiatus for a while or something-doesn't mean I won't finish it but probably will go back to it when I'm in a lighter mindset.
Aoe Sunshine, I might enter the contest, it sounds like fun! It depends on how much real life crap interferes with my writing time.
Ava that was a great update, and I'm still laughing I love it that Gwen and the blackmailer hang out
If you need to take some time we understand, but you better finish this or Gwen's brass knuckles might be coming to your house
I love it that Gwen and the blackmailer hang out If you need to take some time we understand, but you better finish this or Gwen's brass knuckles might be coming to your house
"I'll take a Team Theresa t-shirt, size medium..."
^ I did a spit take when I read this.
^ I did a spit take when I read this.
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