^^^Yeah, but did he show you his stomach?

Really? What's going on?

A baptist one. This guy fits my itemized list of things that I want. ...except for his age...I'm just worried about that and wanted other people's examples/stories of similar situations in order to gauge the reality of the situation.

Plus he likes the office! Come on guys!





Duly noted.




I can only think of one person hurt by this situation and she did it to herself. There is waaaaaaaaaay more to this story than I've mentioned, especially having to do with her and even if it makes me sound like a witch to you all and have you think of me as an overall bad person...if given the choice to gain what I did from it and spare her...well...no I wouldn't.





Granted. What I meant was that I am happy I figured part of my issues out through this relationship. If I hadn't have gone through with it, then who knows what else it would have taken for me to get with the program.

Although I fail to see how I am being fickle with this new guy?





I mean, what's done is done. It took me 3 weeks to get over it all and I finally have. You're right. I knew what I was doing before I went into it, but I really feel like you all are making me out to be the bad guy here. I was really hurt by this...and he was the one who ended up hurting me. I learned my lesson, ok?

Sharpie, I usually don't think that age differences are a huge deal. My only hesitation is that the new guy is very young and you're very young. I guess it's less of a deal when you are both older...say, you're 29 and he's 27. He's 20, so he's barely through the teen years. (20, right?) The younger you are, the bigger the differences because of life experience. I don't know if that makes sense.
But I also realize that for some people age is not a factor in their personality or ability to have good relationships. Sometimes people can surprise you with mature behavior despite a young age. I guess it's a case by case thing.

I'm sorry Sharpie, you know we all care about you very much. But I'm not going to apologize for still being in a bit of shock about how awful the situation was with that guy. That was far worse than anything I imagined. (And I don't believe for a moment that the guy wasn't still sleeping with his ex, even if it was rarely.)


Okay, I was thinking also about your parents and family. What would they have gone through if you had gotten pregnant? They, through you, would have been tied to this walking disaster of a disfunctional family for the rest of their lives.

Anyway, I want more than anything for you to find a great guy who will treat you right, and not come with a U-haul of baggage. And I'm not trying to beat you up with your mistakes or make you hurt any worse. I'm just too afraid to jump on the bandwagon for the new guy yet. Nothing against him, I just think lessons have to sink in for awhile. Maybe they just do with me.

Yeah, that's exactly why I hesitate. It's that it's so early in his (our) twenties..And I can deal with 2 years...but it's really 3 because I turn 23 July 22nd. He is very mature for his age and I can't say that about a lot of guys...but I totally understand what you are saying.




Yeah, it was bad. I was very very very foolish and I still can't believe I got myself involved in that situation. The good news is that I never have to see him again. Just in case you couldn't tell...we are from opposite sides of the tracks if you know what I mean. We definitely don't run in the same circle and I don't have to worry about accidentally running into him anywhere because he quit his job (where we met) and we don't hang out in the same places.

My parents had no idea about anything...they would have disowned me! They still don't know. I see your points about the relationship affecting others though.

And you know? You're right. I should probably hold off on this new venture. I mean, if I look at this situation realistically...I just used this last guy (Adam) to get over the previous one (Justin) and I have to wonder if I would do the same thing to this new one (Caleb) to get over Adam. BUT I AM over Adam. Just thought I would throw that in there. .

I appreciate your insight.

Good luck Sharpie.

. . . It doesn't mean you can't turn him into a die-hard Office flan like the rest of us.

You know I've been thinking about this, (while I was trying to take a nap, ). You can really learn a lot about your new guy Sharpie by doing this^^. I mean just think . . .you could learn so much about him by seeing what he thinks about Michael's complete lack of self-awareness, the whole Pam-Roy-Jim-Karen saga, Dwight's complete devotion to authority figures, Ryan's Wunderkind rise up the corporate ladder, etc. . By the end of season 4, you'll know all you need to know. I think I'm on to something here.

Good luck sweetie.

^^

Haha! Awesome! I will definitely be on the lookout.


You know what's funny? He has huuuuuuuuuuuge characteristics of Andy. Not in the annoying way, just in the cute facial expressions and the way he talks.

I told him that too, so it'll be funny to see what he thinks when we get to season 3.

(You all know Andy is my favorite character, right? )

Reading that reminds me of a current situation regarding my best friend. We've been good friends since grade 8 & from what I can recall through the years, she's had crushes but she's never been in love. Anyway, she went to this post-secondary school for music & found this guy she was crazy about. They haven't seen each other since December but they kept in touch over msn. Anyway, during one convo he revealed that he had a thing for her too, & that tore her apart. He didn't want to date her because, & I quote, "the school is too small, everyone knows each other & it would be awkward". It's been a few months since his confession & she's been beating herself up over it. Just recently she cried herself to sleep, mainly because she knows it could never be. They live like, 9 hours apart & he has a job in this place which won't allow him to come here in the summer like he usually does.

Anyway, she's desperately trying to get over him & now, she wants me to approach my ex & find out if he has any friends that would want to date my friend. I think it's a bad idea because I figure that just because she's in a relationship doesn't mean she'll get over this guy. She feels the opposite, believing that it'll help. I personally think her dating for the sake of dating will hurt both her & the guy, because I doubt having a bf will help her get over the guy she seems to be in love with & also, she'll be cheating her bf of the full love that she could give him. Dating someone while having strong feelings for someone else always ends in heartbreak. Anyway, I think it would be better if she found someone herself while slowly getting over the guy from school & allowing herself to become attracted to someone who lives here, someone who won't mess with her.

I have a feeling that what I just said sounded confusing but I assure you that it makes sense in person .

I'd love to be provided with some insight & advice, particullary(sp?) the kind who will benefit my best friend. I do want her to find someone to love, but I want that someone to be a guy who she dates on impulse to get over someone else. I mean, I've been in her situation & it never works.

nothing happening now on the guy front. I'll just have to leave a trail of broken hearts

I don't think you're the bad guy, Sharpie. I was just trying to point out what I saw as a pattern, and trying to get you to draw on what we've already told you and what you've already learned. You raised the issue of the age difference...I'm assuming because you were uncomfortable with it at some level, just like you raised concerns about the other relationships you've shared with us.

For the record, I generally don't have a problem with age differences. If the two people involved can handle it, then what else matters? But bmac raised some valid concerns about the differences seeming bigger in your early 20's.

Good, he goes to church. I have no problem with the age at all, and he likes The Office? Sounds like a good guy.

Well, there was more than one person hurt by the ordeal - at the very least, you and her. And we're worried about you.

Fickle - well, it kinda seems like you want a relationship so badly, you're jumping from one guy to the next, and jumping in too deep really quickly. Take your time, really get to know this guy. If you really get to know him before you get physical, you'll have a better relationship with him, no matter what happens. And no regrets.

Sharpie, you know we love you. I think I can speak for everyone else in saying no one thinks you're the bad guy. I think you're an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, independent young lady that guys should be fighting each other over to get to. More than anything, we want what's best for you, and for you not to be hurt.




Well, I know many people who have met the love of their lives on blind dates. But she sounds like she's living in a fairy tale - dreaming of what could have been, and not living in the here and now. She sounds like she needs a friend more than a date. But hey, maybe you know a guy going through the same thing, and they can commiserate. And would you feel comfortable asking your ex if he knows someone?

How about a double date?


You heartbreaker, you. Fancy New Becca, just be patient and keep going forward with your life. You're doing so well - you too are a beautiful, smart, funny lady. I'm so proud of how you're moving on.

This is more important than you realize. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love Tom with all my heart, but if I had known what the white trash side of his family would do to my life and my career, I can't honestly say I'd do it all the same.

As for the age difference, bmac is right, but I also think you need to take a break and just be alone. That is my advice to everyone--BE ALONE and figure yourself out first.

I'd say she's a mix of a dreamer & a mix of a realist, if that's a word . She realizes that it's never meant to be but at the same time, a part of her wishes that he was coming here this summer. She wants to forget about him & move on but at the same time, I don't think she fully realizes that she's in love with him.

I've been the best friend possible for her, offering my ears (not literally lol) so she could vent, cry & say what she wants. She's revealed that I'm pretty much the only person who knows what's going on, which is flattering in a way. She's been mentioning him a lot, which I guess is healthy in a way. However, I still think she's unsure of how to deal with the situation. She understands that contact makes the whole thing worse, so she's removed him off msn. It was I that suggested it though. She did that a while ago & now, she kinda hints at the fact that she's kinda upset she did that. She got at that she liked talking to him & that she can't start a convo but if he starts one, she'll re-add him. I reassured her that it's a step in the right direction, which it is. I suggested that she take him off facebook, but she didn't want none of it. I guess we see the whole facebook thing differently.

Oh, I would have no problem asking my ex if he has a friend. We're very comfortable each other & it's one of those scenarios in which I like having him as a good friend rather than a boyfriend. Actually, he was over at my place just this past Saturday with the friend I've been mentioning & another one. Anyway, my best friend made me some sort of drink concotion & I guess she underestimated my alcohol tolerance, because it made me really sick. I ended up having to lie on the couch. My ex saw me in distress lol & made a run to 711 with my friends. He brought me gatorade & gave me water with that, which really settled my stomach. He kept making sure I was ok. Than, with the random items he bought at 711, cooked pasta. The guy has never been to my house before & he feels comfortable enough to cook . He helped me clean up. He ended up staying from 11 at night to 3 in the morning.

Having him do all that brought back some feelings but after, I realized that I like him better as a friend because there was too much pressure when we were dating.

And I think my best friend got a little crush on him but I think it all went away when I revealed that we dated .

Okay I asked something of someone and I got a answer... He cares about me, but he can't go there with me cause we've become friends..doesn't want to ruin a friendship now. Which I can resepct. I just wondered if he did have feelings for me

^^^I hate when guys say that. That's just plain stupid. Friends make the best relationships, it's so much better because you know the person, and you know what you're getting into. Personally, anyone I dated who was a friend before I dated them, still is a friend.

Tell him to watch When Harry Met Sally.

Tom and I were acquaintances for 4 years, became friends through the mail while he was in the military for 4 years, then had 2 tyears of torture/friendship/annyonance before we sealed the deal (so to speak). If you're not friends first, of some kind, how can you expect to last?

I'm really ok with us being just friends. it's good to have a guy friend you can trust and count on.
I've gotten a joke marriage proposal today LOL So it's really okay to be single

Details please. How big was the diamond?

So this boy really likes me and the more evident he makes it, the more uncomfortable I become.

I'm going to have to have a talk with him.

The more I hang out with him and think about it...he's not what I want. I'm nearing 23 here in a couple weeks and I don't want to waste my time on a relationship I know won't go anywhere. I want to be in a relationship that is actually leading somewhere other than just a fun time. See what I've learned?

The age difference is just too great for me right now. He'll probably be insanely my type in 3 or 4 years, but he is a bit too immature right now. Plus I really don't want to get hurt again so soon...I mean...I'll be graduating in a year and he will have a year left, then where will we be?

I'm not planning on staying in this area and I don't want someone chaining me here, you know?

Siiiiiiiiigh.

veebs he let me choose my own ring hahaha
We talked alittle this morning and we had a great chat. Hes not from here, but will be near my area durning a trip he'll be taking and he wants to meet up. I don't know. I hate the idea of him being great and the distance thing be a issue. I don't know... a drink doesn't mean anything and it's not like it's a relationship..he could end up being a great guy friend as well. I like the idea of being able to have men in my life I can count on as friends only.

That's totally okay Sharpie, not easy, but okay.

my friend let the guy she doesn't like make a move on her at work. she asked me what I thought. I really gave it to her. I told her just make up your freakin mind!

Print a few copies of this and tape them on your mirrors, in your car, on the refrigerator....

Isn't it nice that you got to know him first, and thought things through before you jumped in heart first?


That's great to hear, Becca!

talked to my friend about her man drama...he's no good for her.
I don't want a boyfriend. Since Nick has dumped me, I'll just enjoy being alone. Men are ticking me off anyways

Wait, I think that you dumped him. You told him I want to work on this relationship and he didn't seem to want to. He wanted you to stay the same and he would have been fine with that. You decided that wasn't good enough for you and that was the right decision.

You dumped him and it was the right move.

you guys...I know this is too soon..but there is this guy who is getting stuck in my head. It's too soon and won't work cause he's from out of town, but he sent me something tonight that even though he was being nice gave me those tingly feelings in my stomach.
I just like the idea he's so nice after this horrible mess.

Well you are right wedd, I just say he dumped me cause I tried calling him and he didn't call me back.

I don't really know the appropriate thread for this, so I'll put it here. I have mentioned my ex boyfriend before. he was very emotionally abusive, stalked me after we broke up, there was a whole history that I am not going to get back into now.

Anyway, we are friends with his brother and he told us that he is down to 110 lbs and in the ICU right now. He is 5'9", so 110 lbs? WTF? After we broke up he kind of drifted along and never did anything--he's 37 and living at home, not working. But it's sad, because he so somart. I remember when I was in college and I was looking at a proba nd stat question that I just could not figure out and he got it in like 10 seconds. He couldn't do the technical explaining of it, but he got the answer and I backed into the formula. Anyway, he just never gave himself a chance. When we were together he always talked about killing himself and now he's pretty much doing it by refusing to eat (from what I hear). If something happens to him, I half expect there to be a letter that he left blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life.

Anyway, I guess my point is, be careful in your relationships and be careful what you do, because they can still come back to you, no matter what. That being said, I hope he doesn't die. I haven't seen him since he showed up at the church for our wedding, but I hope he will be okay.

That's sad and tragic, Wedd. I hope someone can get through to him.

But I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here. There's nothing about this that's your fault. Of course we need to be careful about the people we get involved with, and avoid those signs of instability if we see them. But we're not generally responsible for the self destructive actions of others. It sounds like he has some very long-standing problems that may have been aggravated by his disappointment. But that's not your responsibility.

^^I don't know what I mean either. I guess I just mean that I should have left that relationship a long time before I did, and I had plenty of reasons to do it. Everyone thinks I left to be with Tom, but that wasn't the case. I always have that hanging over me, it seems, and if I had left when I should have, instead of when I did, maybe I wouldn't get the blame that I see coming from a mile away.

Yes, I know I am making this about me, but the truth is, when I left, he went downhill fast. And I'm not saying I'm awesome or great or a life saver, but if I see it, others will, too.

I don't know what I'm thinking. I just am afraid that there is going to be a letter blaming me for everything, because that is something he would do and I just don't want to revisit all of that again. Yes, about me again. It's horrible, I know.

ah wedd dont even think for a second that anything would be because you left him. If he or his family did that, then they are blind to the fact that he makes all his own choices and chose to do the things he did. I hope nothing happens to him either, but don't mentally beat yourself up.

I went to bed around 2:30 last night and I checked my email for I went to bed on my cell and I just looked at my phone and instead of secretly wishing he'd call just for me on my day...I just smiled. I whispered out loud as well it's okay cause I'm okay and I gave everything and I dont have to be sad or miss out on my own life for soemthing he chose to do. I'm not going to let it control my moods and I'm okay.
I figured if I said it outloud and put out my good vibe in the world..it will come back to me since I am a firm believer in karma and the engery you give is what you get.

ladies...I think I may be already devloping a crush. Is that bad or wrong?? the sane part of me says it's too soon the regular half of me says..it's sweet. HELP!

You can't really help who you have a crush on, becca. There's no bad or wrong there. It's what you do about it that matters.

You just said yesterday ^^^ a few posts up that you were going to enjoy being alone for awhile. What's changed in the last few hours?

You were hurt pretty badly, becca, and you lost yourself for a while in the drama with Nick. Personally I think you need to take care of yourself and decide what you really want and need. But that's not my call. Just take it slow, whatever you do.

Becca--I am so happy to hear this.

if this guy asks I will be honest with him, but I'm finding myself thinking about him. Not about nick. it's okay to feel giddy thinking about him? I have no control of my emotions

Yeah, 10 hours is a little too soon.

Becca, you're going to be just fine - look how far you've come! It's just gonna tak a little while longer.


If he went downhill, that was his choice, and he was probably already starting on that path before you left him. Plus, maybe it's guilt for the way he treated you.

I dated a guy in Florida (before I moved there - a long distance thing) who was very popular. Lots of girls wouldn't talk to me because they were jealous. Others wanted to get to know me so they could figure out why he liked me over them. He wanted to marry me, I wanted to take it slow. I knew a lot of things about him those girls didn't know, like he was a recovering alcoholic, drug addict and had lived an alternative lifestyle (yeah, I know). Anyway, he had started drinking and smoking again (and lying about it), so I broke up with him. I told his pastor my biggest fear is that he would go off the deep end and the pastor said, "If he does, that's his choice, it's not your fault, and it would have happened sooner or later."

Sure enough, that's what he did. a lot of people blamed me, especially people who didn't know his past ("That's the girl who turned him gay." ). One girl didn't talk to me for 2 years - I mean absolutely snubbed me (by this time I had moved there, and was going to his former church). His closest friends, the people who knew the worst about him, were the ones that stuck by me. I knew in my heart it wasn't my fault, and you need to know that, too.

If you get a letter from him, burn it. He's a part of your past, not your future. Tom is your future.

10 hrs thats all that has passed between posts?

I feel so alive!!!

Thank you for sharing that story--I appreciate it!




We're happy for you, but just be cautious.

Yeah, in the back of my mind, I was afraid some day I'd come home and catch him with the plumber.

I really loved him, and breaking up and facing all of those people was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But what doesn't destroy me makes me stronger (Nietsche).

He did turn his life around, and married a female friend of his with a son about 5 years later.

ladies it's a crush OMG it's a crush

So, I kind of sort of was supposed to have a date tonight...and then the guy had a heart attack.

I thought that was Clairee from Steel Magnolias.





OK, Hottest. Spill.

You dumped him, and no one here is going to forget it.


Wedd, two thoughts . . . first, whatever the guy's issues are, I'm sure they've been there long before you had a relationship with him. Perhaps you sensed some of this, and it was one of the things that contributed to the relationship not continuing. Second, if it hadn't been you leaving, it would have been something else. Some other event in his life would have triggered whatever self-destructive behavior he's following now. You're just a witness, not a cause.

Yeah. This new guy was supposed to come over and watch movies/have dinner/go to the park, etc with me, Emily, and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes over and calls him to see if he's coming over still and he goes "Uh, I had a heart attack today so i'll come over if/when my heart rate comes down."

I am just as confused as all of you are. It appears that things that come in contact with me end up with medical issues.

Okay, that ^^ doesn't make any sense. Maybe he had an anxiety attack? If he had a heart attack, wouldn't he be in the hospital?

. . . Wait a minute . . . maybe he had another date, and this is just the worst lie ever. . .

^^yeah, I'm with mixed. He had an accelerated heart rate, anxiety/panic attack, but I'd have to say a heart attack is pretty extreme.

No...it was a minor heart attack. He was there all day, and has to go back for tests again. Confirmed by his mom and doctor.

Oh thanks, you guys are super nice.

Wait, how old are you again? And how old is he?

He's like 16ish. All he eats is junk food and he doesn't really ever exercise...so honestly i'm not completely surprised?