Looking for a either a fireman or a navy, army or marine That should put me right over the 100%

Yeah, because he uses people. Why should you be friends with him just because he has cancer?? Is cancer the magic friend word???? I disagree. You will never understand why he does the things he does, and you don't need to. Let him go, he has his mommy, his daddy and his daughter to see him through whatever ails him.


Me, me! I am. I respectfully disagree. Do you really want to be his pity friend? Does he need a pity friend? No. He's manipulative, and he's toying with your feelings. You don't need to know what's wrong with him, now or ever.

You can't be a normal person around him, because he never treated you like one. Cut him off, that's the only way you will be free.


You can be friends with an ex is the ex is normal and mature. Sometimes you date great people, but you just aren't suitable with each other. But you can't be friends with a train wreck.

I saw some firemen and oh yes did I wave an honk at them. I got a wave back

I'd be his friend anyways if it was life threatening. Call me stupid and a fool. But if he told me and wanted me to be, then I would try my best. I wasn't perfect either and I know I never did anything like what he did, yet I could get passed it. The reason(s) why. He was my first love . Losing him I didn't think could make it with out him I know now I can . And I know there is other men out there who would love me despite all my hang ups. Nick gave me a lot of courage when I needed it as well and with out, I wouldn't have been honest about myself when I needed to be. And now because of all this, I've met a guy who likes me as I am and just smiles and never makes excuses.

Becca, we're just saying to be careful. And this breakup is still relatively new, so being in contact is going to make it harder. Plus, a new guy might think that you are still hung up on him.

I understand the health thing--I am still worried about my ex's health all these years later (A friend supposedly went to see him yesterday--she wanted me to go but I told her I couldn't and that I don't think it would ever be a good idea for me to go there). Anyway, you just have to keep moving forward and not look back.

Becca, your experience with Nick (both the good and bad) taught you a lot of valuable things, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything. You can still be compassionate and caring --- from a distance.

Sometimes the nicest, most caring thing you can do for a person (and for yourself) is to leave them alone...just like they wanted you to do in the first place. It doesn't make you selfish.

Every time he gets in touch with you, it opens up that wound. We can all see it.

You're going to do what you think you should do....but it's going to keep stinging

Yeah, um, he asked to see me. I'll have to think about this, but my first reaction is no.

So was mine. Somehow, some way I have this feeling that part of this guy's issues involve living in the past/rehashing the past/punishing himself for the past, or something along those lines. He's not going to start getting well if he doesn't break the cycle.

Listen to me . . . . such a psychoanalyst . . .

^^Well, he can't talk--he still has the trach in--and communicated with my friend through notes. She and I work together, so I will talk to her tomorrow and see how the conversation went. She had asked me to go with her and I told her that there was no guarantee that he wanted to see me. I told her to tell him that I wanted him to feel better and that we have all been asking about him. So I'm not sure how she presented it.

And I know that Tom is not giving me a straight answer on how he feels if I were to go. As I've said before, he and my ex were friends first and there was a lot of animosity when we got together. So I also know that us going together would not be an option. I just don't know what kind of conversation we would have--how are you, fine, married to your former friend that I basically left you for for 5.5 years now?

Maybe when my friend goes back I will give her a note to give him. The last time I saw him was when he showed up unannounced at the church for our wedding. But I do feel bad that he is so horribly ill. I don't know.

Wedd, it's clear that you're very concerned about this guy. Your compassion for him is obvious. But I think you have good reason to stay away.

Mixed is right about his issues with the past. Even though he asked to see you, it's probably not in his best interests...or yours. You've expressed your concern for him through your friend and you can leave it at that with a clear conscience.

Thanks everyone. I don't want you to think I was getting upset cause I understand where everyone is coming from. I dont owe him a thing sammy that is clear. I'm just not as cold as he can be.
He's not gotten in touch since. So I have no idea. And maybe it's nothing to do with his health maybe he'll just say I fell out of love with you. And that's fine. I can handle that really. But I'd rather know for sure than to hear through the grapevine. He may have done me really wrong, but I wouldn't do that to him.

After all this...I can say that you have to do what you feel is personally right. No situation is the same and people will always leave out details. So wedd if you don't want to go you don't have to, but if you wanted to for whatever reasons you could. No one should say your making a mistake, because it doesn't change the way you feel about tom.

^^^ I'm afraid that if I go, the ex may think I still have feelings for him and start harrassing us again. I think that sending my best wishes from a distance is the way to go right now. Especially since there is allegedly going to be a surprise party for his brother in Nov that I may see him at (if he is out of the hospital by then). I think I'll just hold off for that.

It's a real shame that he didn't move on. If you have to see him sometime then holding out might be a better choice.

Well, some of us aren't. Some of us saying stay away, take control, or you'll never be free.


No. No is a good answer.


Yes, I agree. Wedd, I don't think you should go near him without Tom by your side, and if he won't go, drop it. No notes, no nothing. You said this guy was controlling and verbally abusive, and he harassed you after you broke up with him. He can write, if he's truly sorry, he can send you a letter. I think he's trying to play on your feelings, and for a lot of people, they even take negative attention as a positive sign. Right now he wants pity attention. You need to continue to move forward with your life with Tom, and you don't want anything coming between you. You've worked too hard.

Maybe he's partly making himself sick over you - that's just obsessive, and it's not your problem. It's his.

On the one hand, we did break up over 10 years ago. On the other, his life has been a mess since we broke up, so you may be right. And considering the dreams I had last night, I'm not going to go.

i got my answer and it's really fine. He's moving. I dont knwo if this was planed pre break up or post but I dont care. Hes okay and he's moved on and so have I so there is no reason to remain friends

Is he going back to England?

Very interesting that he is moving. But in the end, I am glad, out of sight and out of mind for you Becca. Not that you have seen him recently but that he isnt near by.

Yeah, she told him that I wanted to visit but I wasn't sure. And then his mom said how sweet that was of me and he said it was fine. Wonderful.

yeah he's going back. So it's a move out of country. And it's okay. I said i was only going to try to be his friend if it was his health and it's not, so the cut off is now simple. I called the new guy and told him since he thought nick wanted me back and he came over to talk to me and the new guy an I are fine. He told me well you dont have to think about that and it all happened for a reason right? You met me right so that's a good thing. There was some cuddling after Now, he's off to work and you know what everyone...I feel wonderful !

Oh, Becca, I am so happy to hear that! And to give him the slightest bit of credit, at least he did tell you he was going back and he didn't just leave the country and have you find out some other way.

^^ Exactly. I would have rather have heard it from the horses mouth than anyone elses.

So I will call my friend at work and her and I will have a good bye party so it will fun for her and I. Instead of like pin the tale on the donkey we might do pin the missing testicle on the sodding brit.

OMG. If you run out of pins, I still have that duct tape.

I'm glad I'm not British.

mixed, bring it on!

yes, scotty all my male friends are glad they aren't british. A sweet friend of mine who lives outside of london has offered his services and a couple of friends to welcome the brit to home It's like a guy ritchie movie come to life A bunch of british thugs going after someone for me I declined the services but it's nice to know I'm looked after I guess.

Too bad we can't set something up in the Office Olympics forum.

oh sammy dont tempt me. I've got a picture of him mooning me and it's very unflattering What do you think I'm using for my version

Wedd, his life was a mess when you were together as well, and he made your life a mess. I'm so happy you have moved on from that.


Bitch.


Is he taking his daughter, or is he leaving her here? And what about his mommy? How can he survive without her????

Why stop with pins??? How about darts, spears, swords?


What???? Cuddling, already???

What kind of work does he do?

I've blocked and added a fliter to the brits emails addy so he can't email me. After what I saw this morning. Just another mindless excuse of him not taking blame. The new guy told me today I have to be over and done with the ex before we can move on.
Yes, the brit is taking ms.thang and can you imagine he's moving away from mommy.
There was some cuddling yeah. He's a independent contractor of sorts, does heating systems, plumbing and minor handy man stuff

I'm not current on some of this new-fangled s*xual terminology, but there has to be a in there somewhere. A word of caution, though... stay away from those "minor handy man stuff" types - it takes forever for them to get clean after a day in the mine, and you'll be stood up for dinner constantly. They may turn out to be good with their hands, but I've heard that the ladies don't much go for guys with dirt under their nails.

Oh...sorry...I just realized... not "miner handy man"...it's "minor handy man"... Don't they have laws against that where you live? You cougar you...

Yeah, becca always confuses me with the word "cuddling". I think that means sex, but I'm not sure.
My code phrase is "quality time" as in, we would have spent quality time together last night if his legs and knees were not so bashed up from playing football. I think if we had attempted anything, those cuts would have opened up big time.

Of course, he claims he is fine. And when he plays again on Sunday, he is not going to cover them then, either.

Men.

Cuddling...like sitting on the couch, watching TV very close to one another, snuggling, kissing, etc? I find it hard to believe that anyone would use that word as a euphemism for sex.

cuddling as in being cuddled up together, being held, kissing, some playful touching. If I had sex with him I would have said I had slept with him. I haven't. I just hate to hear the phrase, making out.

I've noticed a new phrase going around the valley called, play cousin. Apparently it means 2 people who are close like family but aren't family but have sex. I had to have that one explained to me by a friend. Which just grosses me out on so many levels.

I cuddled with some hot chocolate last night With marshmallows

I wish I had gotten my cuddle on with my microwaveable happy heart last night.

"Please allow me to introduce myself / I'm a man of wealth and taste" (Rolling Stones)

I can misinterpret just about anything if I put my mind to it...

Becca, that cousin thing is just f-ked up.

Too damn funny

Guess who had nerve to tell me that they are still in love with me? Guess who is still moving? Guess who went ape s*** after hearing that. Guess who wishes they had a box of wine.

If he really loved you, he'd stop being a manipulative ***** and leave you alone so you can get on with your life.

I thought you cut him off. Do it. He's not in love with you - he doesn't know what love is. He just wants to control you.

Block his email, his phone number - do what you have to do, just get away from him.

oh it's blocked...double checked it earlier to make sure now. So I shouldn't have a issue now. maybe I should try dating guys my own age, these older men are worse than the younger ones

Wait,wait,wait. Did you get upset because he is still moving or because he said he still loved you? And yeah, he probably does still love you. So what? He wanted you to say you loved him back (did you?) so he could leave with a clear conscience. Or he wanted you to convince him to stay, and then if he did and got a parking ticket he can always blame you and say, I shouldn't even be in America.

Just change your e-mail address. And if they get through somehow, just don't open them. Unless you want him back. Then that is a different story.

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

well wedd I was upset cause I felt like he had no right to say it even if he meant it cause of how things went over the last year and the way things ended. I didn't say it back but I told him it was so messed up how everything went cause you know i thought he is the one and really felt like he's supposed to be the love of my life and all he's done is drive me insane. Which he agreed and took the blame for. He's admitted that everything is going pear shape, his life, business, even the move, but says he's still moving.
He's not left me any emails since the other day. I found it odd that he brought up in the conversation what's wrong with my web cam. I asked so you've been working on this the last 2-3 months we've not talked. He said, yeah. I'm trying to fix your probelms still.
I shook my head cause what am I supposed to say to that?

If the new guy is going to go up to yosemite then I think I will go. If I dont. I will never move on really.

Well, go because you want to, not to try to help you move on. If you need a trip, take it with a friend, not a man, because that can open up things that you guys may not be ready for.

very sound advice wedd thank you I will keep that in mind

Ok, 'splain, please. Other than a fruit, or a woman with freakishly large hips, what does 'pear shape' mean?

It a British-ism for everything is turned on its head, upside-down.

^^ you are so very right mixed. It's nice to know his life wasn't as good as he said it was.

no cute guys at the mall, no cute guy at the starbucks. Nothing in target. it was a sad day for guy hunting.

OK, that's enough of the ageism, please.

I happen to be in my 50's - I'm charming, erudite, and have a world of other excellent qualities. I know how to treat a woman with respect, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm (unhappily) married, I'd consider myself a great catch. (While there are a few on here who may disagree with that contention, it's my opinion and since I know me and they don't, they can keep their comments to themselves )

The problem with being a man in his 50s is that everyone thinks you're ready for the boneyard. 40s is fine, but 50s for some reason seems to be persona non grata. It gets quite annoying sometimes. This is one of those times.