I try never to judge a man until I've stolen his dog.

Go..

I'm on a fact-finding mission to determine what I did yesterday.

The hardest thing about hang-gliding is holding onto the sandwiches.

Carl Weathers thinks like Creed.

Just watch the first fifty seconds.

Note to self: Stop forgetting to remember.

That's some stew! I know it's a different actor, but Carl reminds me of Jackie Chiles.

"You put a balm on? Who told you to put a balm on?!"

There are a ton of yes/no questions regarding my sexual history on this blood donation form. I've marked the space between the boxes for most of them. May I have my juice box and cookies now?

I got a litter box for Christmas, but I don't have a cat. I still get lots of use out of it though.

'Wacky Weed Creed' was just a nickname. I was never that Wacky.

Everybody in this office has their own scent. The receptionist...bunnies. The redhead...glitter.

That reminds me of this time I can't quite recall.

Note to self: make mental note.

You know, the big guy who sits in the corner. He's not an accountant, he's a superhero. You should have been here the day he saved us from vampire attacks.

I don't know why women complain about going to the gynecologist. I've been there. It's not that bad.

I once spent time in a Tiajuana jail. Or hotel. It was one of the two.

Eating hand-caught raw fish = good idea
Eating dead canadian goose = bad idea

(wtf?)

great thread, CountChocula!

I just don't see it as harrassment. If someone tells me I have a nice chest, I just roll with the compliment.

It's delicious. Tastes just like apples.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll screw you one way or another.

Prayer? Magic works just as well. Bibbidy Bobbidy, Amen.

I don't take vacations. I once went on a cruise that was supposed to last three hours but we got shipwrecked. The first mate was completely incompetant, the rich folk did nothing, and there was another guy who kept trying to make things out of coconuts. You know, that would make a great television show.

Schrute needs to stop getting all uptight when take a look at Andrea's a**, that is a nice a**, he should be looking too.

I wear a size eight shoe. You know what that means. (Pause) I wear women's shoes. My balance is better in them.

I really like the chairs from this office. I have several of them at home.

When I was younger I killed a man while driving across country. Wait a second, I've never owned a car. Maybe I was on my bicycle...on second thought I'm pretty sure that guy lived.

The early bird catches the worm and therefore has the most meat to eat.

If I were to be reincarnated I’d rather it be Alcatraz. I think I’ll like the challenge.

Before computers I just painted my wall like a giant drivers license. I had the kids stand in front and took a photo. Those i.d's worked like a charm.

Animal, vegetable, or mineral. I don’t discriminate.

You guys are so freaking talented! This makes me laugh!

I love office potlucks. I always bring the condiments. I keep a stash in my glove compartment.

I've saved this company a bundle in dental insurance premiums.

Whiteout and superglue work wonders for repairing teeth.

They're just going to throw these steaks away in five or six days anyway.

the food is still edible if it is thrown away with other food.

I wrote the book on sucker's bets. Car Insurance, now thats a sucker's bet. If you do have it and want to get out from under a bad loan, I can dispose of it for a small fee.

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I once had my identity stolen. After 4 days, the guy begged me to take it back because he couldn't handle the nightmares.

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You'd be surprised with how much soup I can fit in these pants.

I have very strong convictions. I just can’t remember what they are.

Who has time for zippers?

I'd like to believe in dinosaurs, but seriously, where's the evidence?

If it itches, I scratch it.

I thought I was doing you a favor.

A band on the radio stole one of my songs. Sure the notes were in a totally different order, but those were the same notes.

That's perfect.

It's a dog eat dog world out there, but I'm the elephant in the room.

I once faked an illness and lived at a hospital for a month, the best part of my stay......the spongebaths.

If you want to make an omelet, you've got to steal a few eggs.

They wouldn't have left the key under the mat if they weren't expecting me.

Pepper spray doesn't faze me. I developed an immunity to tear gas in the 60's.

If I bite off more than I can chew......


.......I just put the extra back on the buffet.

I make my own sour cream out of milk and time.

There isn't anybody named Kevin, Meredith or Pam at this office ... looks like somebody is going to have a feast from the fridge tonight.

Tuesday is trash day in my neighborhood.

I prefer the term "smorgasbord".

Who needs indoor plumbing when you've got Lake Wallenpaupack?