The thread is pretty self explanitory. Post a joke, people read the jokes, they laugh at the jokes, then post their own jokes. It's a beautiful process that spreads joy to everyone. And we all know that the key to happiness is joy...right?

I think we should refrain from the political ones because OH told me no politics in a thread awhile back. So it's OH's call, but I think it would be best if we kept away from those. Apparently, it gets ugly around here when there is politics to discuss...I can't imagine why cause we aren't very opinionated people

So here is my joke, it's regional but it could work just about anywhere.


A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!" The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!!" The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian. The shocked Texan said "Why in the **** did you do that?" The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth 5 cents."

^^Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy . . . . .

Any joke I know is WAY too innapropriate to post here. I would most likely have people angry with me. So I will abstain.

Hmmm...this could be a dangerous thread, but I have a stupid joke to add:

Why did Santa go out with only seven reindeer?

Because he left Comet home to clean the sink!

Yeah, I know--there has to be better jokes out there!

Same here...So I will post one of my cornier jokes...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead!

A 6 year old boy is in the bath playing with his testicles*.

"Mum, he says, are these my brains?"

To which Mum replies, "No son, not yet."


*If Michael Scott can say 'testicles' then so can I

Great jokes, BTB and Brentmeister.

A grocery store cashier quickly deals with an unruly customer demanding a discount on a damaged carton of eggs. Later on, the manager says to the cashier, "I'm impressed - you really think on your toes. Where are you from?"
"Canada, sir," he says.
"Why'd you leave?"
"They're all just ****** and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!" exclaims the manager.
"What team did she play for?"

Divorced and Drunk

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I love it!

^^

Math for Men

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? . . . I think not!

Mr. Brown, (if that's really his name), is hoping this thread won't turn into an online course from the Michael Scott "of course it's offensive, that's why it's a joke" School of Humor.


. . . . don't make him come in for more Diversity Training.

Are photos permitted, as I have *tons* on my photobucket account. Here's a few:

Love ^^this one. And your sig is pretty freakin' funny too.

Thanks. I can watch for my sig for minutes on in. Classic ahaha. Here are some more photos:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v456/eur...04/magiceye.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v456/eur..._44464_8832.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v456/eur...004/ymcacat.jpg

It's fun to laugh until I can't breathe ahaha.

^^^ Love all the pic PIP!

Ok, I have a purely Newfy joke that I heard on the way back (from Newfoundland) on the boat, here it goes.

Ok, so this guy goes into a bar, and starts talking to the bartender. The man says he's going to Mexico for a vacation, but he doesn't know how to speak spanish. The bartender says "That's OK, just speak real slow."

So the guy arrives in mexico and he goes into a bar and orders a drink.

He says "Can. I. Have. A. Beer. Please."

Then the bartender asks "Where. Are. You. From." and the man responds,

" I. Am. From. New. Found. Land."

Then the bartender responds

"Oh. That. Is. Really. Ironic. Because. I. Am. From. There."

Then the man says "And. Look. At. Us. We. Are. Speaking. Spanish!"

Ok, I hope you liked my Newfy joke, I can ask me dad for some more later.

^^^ I love that joke! Newfy and their jokes are so funny! I'm so glad I have family there!

A guy sits down at a bar.

He hears a voice say, "Nice tie." Hmm. Looks around, no one else is there. Oh well.

Then he hears, "Nice shoes." Still no one else there.

Then he hears, "Nice suit." Ok. That's it. He looks at the bartender and says, "Do you hear that?"

The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

^^I love stupid jokes like that. My favorite is this one.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

D*mn.

And here's an amusing picture.



And an amusing mini vid along the lines of PIP's sig

Bravo!

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Thats awesome and frightening at the same time haha.

My favorite jokes are non-joke jokes. Which can either be jokes that sound funny, but don't actually make any sense, or jokes with punchlines that just make you feel sad.

Example 1:

There's an ancient swamp, a musty, pre-historic bog, with brackish water swirling slowly above thick layers of oily mud, huge prop-root maples and their hundred-foot-high canopies, ferns like great billows of emerald-green smoke from the shallows, and reddish-brown reeds shooting up in a frozen arc. Insects buzz and clash like an exploding orchestra, and the heavy, gray air parts between the trees as two hippos slowly rise from the muck, their bulbous heads cresting slowly, and one leans in and says to the other, "I just can't get it in my head that it's Tuesday."

The town I grew up in is so small the hooker wears a helmet.

Example 2:

Why can't Helen Keller have children?

Because she's dead.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.


Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.


Also, I found a site with scans of old Superman comic book covers in which Superman acts like a giant a**-hole. So freakin' funny. I'll post a few.



This one is about Batman, but God is it funny.

Joke from my daughter --

When is a car like a frog? When it's being towed.

Why did Kelly and Ryan freeze to death at the Drive-In?

They went to see "Closed For Winter."

!!! I didn't get it at first.

That's one of my personal favorites. Just insert the names of MOY and FOY and tell it to Tom tonight. He'll love it, too.

Can really bad pick-up lines be posted here? They are basically bad jokes. This is what I get for living in the dorkiest dorm...

I wish I were your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

If I was an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word

NO!!! Someone did not say that, did they?

Yes, but it wasn't directed at me, but to the poor girl sitting across from me.

^^^ Wow, I really wouldn't want to be her! Was it meant as a joke though?

I'd smack a guy if he said that to me, that is absolutely distressful and insulting!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

I could tell that joke in my computer science class and their wouldn't be a dry eye in the crowd. That should tell you the type of people in that class.

My favorite ridiculous pick-up line is this...

From across the room I thought your body was punching. But now I can see...it's kickin'.

NO!!!!! !!!

The sad thing is, my brother would use ALL of these lines!

Yep. I don't think any guy would seriously say that. I hope.



I've never heard of that one before!!

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like Most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

^^^^Scotty!! Nice!

My favorites are the ones where people can't remember the joke, only the punchline and they fall into a fit of laughter trying to figure out the whole joke and you are left pondering:

And so the bank manager says, 'it's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

And so the one legged jockey says, 'that's ok honey, I ride side saddle.'

Ok, I have another Newfy joke. If you want to speak like a bayman (someone from around the bay) this is what you have to say. Repeat after me:

Whale oil beef hooked.

Whale-oil-beeg-hooked

Ok, do you get it? It's the exact way to say "we'll all be f***ed" in a thick Newfoundland accent. My dad does it really good! But he's a Newf, although he has little if any accent cause he's from St. John's.

I love this joke!

I went camping yesterday. It was intense.

Where'd you go snogging? I hope you took more than duct tape and a knife.

I didn't really go camping. I was just posting a very lame joke I heard today.


I went camping today. It was 'intents'.

*smacks forehead*

Wow, that is bad!!

IMPORTANT WINTER STATISTIC

98% of Americans say "Oh, s***" before sliding off the road into a ditch.

The other 2% are from Minnesota and they say "Hold my beer and watch this".

I love drummer jokes

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless

What do you call a guy that hangs out my musicians all the time?
A drummer

What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A pizza can feed a family of four

What do you call a beautiful girl who goes everywhere with a drummer?
A tattoo

Why are guitar player's jokes always one-liners?
So the drummer can understand them

^^^

RC, those are awesome! My dad's a drummer. I'm going to forward those to him, just to be annoying.

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."



That's one of my favorite jokes. You tell it and 1 out of 30 people will be rolling on the floor while the rest look at you with a blank look on thier face.

Did you hear about the bassist who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the window to get the drummer out.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The Defendant

What's the difference between a drummer and a mutual bond?
Eventually the mutual bond matures and generates income.