Okay, this may cause controversy, but here goes. I have lost 52 pds (40 to go), and my hubby can't keep his hands off me. Yeah, in a way that's great. BUT, I am so pissed that for the last 6 years of me being fat, I was only "lucky" about once a month because he considered me "fat and ugly". So, I seem to have a lot of resentment towards him. The more I was neglected physically, the more I sought out food for the comfort he was not giving me. It was a vicious circle. How can I get over this resentment??? We have been married for 26 years.... Thanks for listening. Everyone's support here is keeping me on track.

Wow! That's a tough one. Did he actually tell you he considered you 'fat and ugly' or is that the general impression you got from him? And my other question is, Have you been overweight for a good part of your marriage or just the past few years?

p.s. Oh, btw, I think sometimes we thrive on controversy here! It gives us all something to do.

Only overweigth the last 6 years. Yes, he told me I was "fat and ugly" in response to why I wasn't getting any affection or attention. Thanks for the interest..

Have you ever had a conversation about this with him? I mean one that was not confrontational, but with an open mind. There is no justification on his part to say that you are "fat and ugly" as that is down right mean, however, there is also probably resentment on his side that you gained the amount of weight that you did and was not the same person physically that he fell in love with. We can talk all we want about "it's what is on the inside that counts", but we all know that men are visual people and looks are very important.

Tough situation, but unless you both deal with it, chances are it is going to bubble over at some point.

I have to say I agree to a point with your post Gooch, but it all depends on the situation. If he actually called her fat and ugly, there is just no justification for that, yet sometimes we all say things we don't mean (or don't mean to say out loud), when we are angry, hurt.

However, I do believe we owe it to our spouses to take care of ourselves, and to remain somewhat the same people we married. Of course I don't mean we don't age and all that comes with ageing...

I know that my husband starting chewing tobacco 4 years after we married, and my sex interest went almost away completely. I never would have married a guy who chewed tobacco (just me personally!). Of course I still loved him, and we still had sex, but it was just not the same for me. I was so turned off. I couldn't help it, and tried to get past it. Once he did finally quit, about five years later, it all changed again. Not only did I have the guy I married back, I also felt good that he took the initiative to (finally) quit, rather than blame me.

I think this is a very personal thing, and it depends on the people involved. Cruelty is bad, no matter what, and there just isn't a place for it. Then again, sometimes if we are goaded or in the middle of a fiht, we might say something we don't mean to say (or don't mean to say out loud).

One thing to consider, is that when you were fat, did you pull away yourself? You might not even have realized that you were self conscious and put your own feelings on your hubby. That's easy to do! You may have pulled away physically, but still expected him to be affectionate during other times. Men dont' really work that way overall. They need physical contact (sex). Not saying it is all about sex, but it is a very big part of it. If you were pulling away from sex, then it might have made him pull away in other ways, due to feeling hurt. Then he retaliated by blaming you. Just a thought.

My gut instinct is to go with this: is he a good man? Does he make you happy? Does he care about you and your family and do his best to be a good husband/father? If all those are true, then I would put that behind you and be happy you have a great sex life now and just go with it and enjoy it!

Also, remember that if you are "into" sex more now than before, that is a huge turn on for him. He probably loves your new self confidence and can't get enough of you!

Gotta agree with Gooch here. Fact of the matter is that there are two sides. Physical attraction is a major component of physical intimacy. Although flat out calling some one fat and ugly lacks tact at best, and at worse could be considered cruel; there is something to be said for honesty even when it is not pleasant to hear. Also, there is a lot of context we are missing because we were not there. You said you asked him why intimacy was lacking, that is completely different than if he were to randomly start bad mouthing you. Not trying to defend him, just saying that we need more context for an adequate picture.

Turn the situation around and look at it from the other end, would you resent it just a bit if he gained a lot of weight, let his hair get all funky a'la Bob Marley and grew a ZZ Top beard?(or substitute what ever you find unattractive) I think if you are honest you would agree that although it would not change your love for him, it might be a bit of a turn off. You might be too kind to actually tell him that, and suddenly have a rash of reoccurring headaches right around bed time, but attraction is required for physical intimacy.

Agree again.

I know we tend to want to believe that "if he loved me...he'd love to have sex with me me no matter what." I don't think long and happy marriages can be based on that, because we owe it to our spouses to be the best we can be, and not let ourselves go. Life happens, but the key is to get it back. So much more is involved with gaining a lot of weight than mere physical attraction. We don't act the same as we did when we felt better about ourselves. We are not as happy. We are changed. Our spouses have to live with that and it might not be pleasant or sexy. We owe it to our spouse to not let that happen.

This may sound shallow, but not really. We can talk about our "rights" in a relationship, but desire doesn't listen to "rights."

The love is still there, but yeah, the headaches may suddenly appear during those opportune moments. People are people.

Exactly. If a person was a certain way or had a bad habit before marriage, the spouse can't complain after the I do's are said.

Grumpy, as for the resentment, it might pass over time. If it doesn't, I would highly recommend getting professional counseling so that you don't fall into the trap of food/affection/etc.

I think the two of you would benefit the most from a marriage counselor; maybe even just a session or two, but you've obviously got some stuff you need to sort out and I think someone who could come in and help your husband see what's going on and also help you process the changes going on with your own life would be a really good thing. I know I had enough emotional stuff going on with my weight loss that I certainly benefitted from my time with a counselor - and that was without any of the conflict that you've described in your marriage. I would say that right now is a good time to reach out for some help; if you have a church that you're a part of, maybe your pastor. Otherwise, find a good marriage counselor. : )

To characterize calling someone fat and ugly as just being honest is, well..., we'll just have to agree to disagree about that one.

Being honest does not have to involve value judgments. Honesty would be telling someone that they've reached the point that they simply don't arouse you anymore. While probably no less painful to hear, it is honest, and can be said as an honest attempt to open communication. The fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to, men and women alike. It's silly to think that just because you love someone you will continue to be aroused by them, I guess magically, when they no longer push those buttons.

What a great post.

Great post!
I also agree with BrookeAnn and the others that say it is important to take care of yourself. Not only for your husband, but for yourself also.
Maybe its because I'm young and a bit naive about relationships but I just don't get why people (not just women because men do it too) let themselves go once their married. Life doesn't end with marriage.

Thanks, Matthew, I think that's an excellent suggestion.

I don't think you can compare growing a beard, Marley hair or other unattractive features to gaining weight. You can cut your hair or your beard in five minutes. It takes a bit more work, determination and time to lose weight. If my husband called me fat and ugly (no matter what the circumstances), it would make me feel he only loved me for my body, and not my inner self at all.

Congratulations on your success and determination, Grumpy1. You've accomplished so much, I think you need a name other than Grumpy1!

I was overweight when my husband and I got married and instead of insulting me by name calling, he just told me that he was concerned about my health. We had an honest talk about the consequences of my being unhealthy - such as the possibility of increased risk and difficulties of child rearing. Our sex life has never suffered and I have never felt insecure. I am confident in the knowledge that my husband loves me for me. I can honestly say that if he had come to me, trying to "inspire" me to lose the weight by calling me names...well, I'd resent him and be resistant to change. I hope that you can come to a happy resolution for your marriage. You deserve happiness after working so hard. Congratulations on changing your life - for you!

Good post here too............I have seen alot of people that let them selfs go after saying I do....men and women....I was with someone that did just that...I will admit it wasnt just looks or wieght but everything about her...I myself have had a wieght problem a better part of my life..my mom had one too....I was little and always eatting fried foods..fries,fried chicken ect.lots of fast food and it stuck on me as I grew up...not so much the fried chicken, but the fast food was really bad....

ok wait...this is off the topic here...I am now married to a beautiful lady, that really has no wieght issue, she unlike almost every girl I have been with has no problem with me being over wieght, in fact she tells me she loves my cuddlness....but she is 100% behind me in this because I want to be HEALTHIER, slimmer and just better looking for me and for her...I am not as heavey as some are, infact some might say I am just fine the way I am, but I feel like I am just fat and ugly to me...I know gotta be positive, and I really try......what scares me is I see how beautiful my wife is and I know she could get a much better lookin guy then me...but she chose me...I need to be healthy for me..but I owe it to her as well..get inshape, be better looking for her...( i know this is all in my mind) but its how I feel.....I am taking these steps for a better healthier me...but I am also doing it for her and my two boys....

Now that I got that off my shoulder............my point is, stay healthy for you and your family...don't let food get the best of you it comes alot faster then it ever goes away...and even though it is very wrong to a point...there are some out there that will let that extra wieght stand in the way of relationships...even if they are already in them when it happens....I cant tell you how many times I was turned down from dates because I was fat......I was told flat out by many girls that said, I was the perfect guy for anyone...if only i was skinny....that hurt alot and if I think about it it still does at times...even though I dont have to worrie about it now...I started my diet march 25th at 255 lbs.......I am now at 240 lbs.....I am going to get to 160 lbs.....I am going to be healthy,inshap and "hot" lol for me and my wife and my kids....

The long and the short of it this is.........stay healthy stay in shape...if your other half is not loving you the same way he/she did because you gain a few lbs...my opinon is this...talk to them, find out what the real story is...get them behind you in your wieght loss..if they cant or wont....let them know your the same prson they married......just with a few extra lbs.....if they cant deal with that..then they dont truly love you to begin with

marriage and love..for sickness and health and wieght till death due us part...

my two cents and then some sorry.........

If he told you that you were fat and ugly then that sucks. But other than that I would say get over it. The guy must love you. Be happy that things are going well with your relationship. Most women would be extremely happy that their husband "cant keep his hands off of you"

Seems like you want to blame him for you seeking out food for comfort. I'm sure its not as simple as he didnt show you attention so you ate to make up for it.

I'm not trying to be mean, if im coming across that way im sorry.

Look at it from outside the box. It's not his sole purpose in life to keep you happy and satisfied. Im sure he has a lot to deal with in his life. Just like you, me, and everyone else.

Its hard to see it like this. But just as you arent the same person you were 5 years ago, neither is he. Things change, people change.
It sounds like you have both changed in ways that has made your relationship better.

Get over the past, enjoy the future. You are doing great, keep it up!

This may not be exactly relevant, but your post made me think of a Dr. Phil episode a few weeks ago with a woman who was heavy (but losing weight), and her husband who was emotionally abusive toward her, called her names, didn't want to have sex with her, etc. What I remember vividly was Dr. Phil telling the husband that she was doing all the right things to lose weight, she'd be successful and would soon be looking great, and that then she'd "resent the h*ll out of him" when he suddenly wanted to be intimate with her. Sounds like you're living proof of that phenomenon!

Anyway, I agree with what others have said. If your husband has actually been calling you "fat and ugly" and doing other things to degrade you, that's emotional abuse. If he actually referred to the occasional sex as you "getting lucky" rather than being a mutual thing, that also strikes me as highly offensive. If he didn't actually say all these things and it's possible that you may have read things that weren't there into his behaviors due to your own self-consciousness, then that's another thing. In any case, it sounds like you need to talk with him, and possibly marriage counseling might be helpful.

As far as people not "letting themselves go" after marriage, I agree to an extent. Obviously there are a number of good reasons to stay physically healthy regardless of one's age and marital status, and maintaining sexual attraction between you and your spouse may be one of those reasons. And maybe since I'm single I don't totally understand...but I really think many people don't take their marriage vows seriously enough these days. When you get married, you promise to love someone "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health". There's no asterisk saying "unless you get fat". And if you're getting married under the assumption that the person you're marrying won't ever change, you're going to be disappointed because we ALL change thoughout the course of our lives...sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. If you can't accept that about your future spouse, you shouldn't be marrying them.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that there aren't reasons why a couple might truly need to divorce...abuse, infidelity, etc. But I guess I'm not totally comfortable with the mentality of: "Hey, no fair, he didn't know you were going to gain weight (or change in any other way) when he married you!"

And congratulations on your weight loss, by the way!

Great post, but this is tricky. I don't think anybody has said they would not love a spouse who had changed. I think the point is we can't really help it if our desires wane. That is not something anybody can determine when they first get married. Nobody knows what the future holds. However, as far as vows and fidelity are concerned, that is a completely different story. I would never think it okay to cheat because a person's spouse got heavy or something.

There is a difference between aging and all that entails, and letting oneself go. Of course we change. Not only do we age physically, but hopefully we "grow" emotionally. No way am I the same person I was as a bride at 20, now that I'm 43. But that's not the issue here, IMO.

I mentioned my husband and his chewing tobacco. I would never leave my marriage over that! But, I can't help it if my desire for my husband was not the same when he was chewing. It is solmething I just hate, and it grosses me out, period! I didn't marry a guy who chewed. If I had, then I could not complain.

But I never would leave him or stop loving him. He's a good man, and I did my best to still be the best wife, in all areas, I could be. I would hope he'd do the same for me. Heck I gained almost 100 with my first pregnancy and he never made me feel bad in any way. But I did lose it. Took almost a year but I did. I think if I had kept it on, I could not complain if he didn't feel that sexually attracted to me. Who knows.

Speaking from a man's perspective, I feel that he should have been lifting you up while you were in need instead of tearing you down. Having said that, like somebody else mentioned, perhaps going to counciling wouldn't be such a bad idea

I agree. Calling you 'ugly' was an ugly thing for him to say. People should not be valued on what they look like, what they do and say do is more important. But no-one is faultless and we make mistakes, which we must learn from.

You need to talk about this one together otherwise it could eat away at your relationship. If you can't solve it just between yourselves then I think some help from a third party could be a great idea. When someone loses weight, particularly significant amounts of weight, the way we feel about ourselves and the way those around us feel about us changes. These are things we all have to learn to adjust to.

Best of luck

For the most part, letting yourself go is not just a single defining moment, but rather a series of small steps, none of which are all that noticeable, or seem all that great in the larger scheme of things, until one day you catch sight of yourself and . Wasn't it Kelly who said she got fat 5 pounds at a time. With me it was more like 1 pound at a time, but the end result was I was much bigger than I wanted to be.

And although life does not end with marriage, it does change completely. Just like having kids changes your life, completely. But changes are not a bad thing.